JAckie......so wonderful to hear things are going great..it is still a tough road, I know I am there too...little things can pop up and if they are not talked out, it can become easy to ASSume again.
I find myself getting frustrated with the fact that h likes to sit and watch tv so much, but if I ask for time with him, or to watch something else he is more than willing.
I do know what you mean about the weight, I have gained back about 10 pounds, and it makes me amd..I have to start walking again.
Pam -- took me a bit to get caught up with you, as always! But you seem to be handling a tough situation well. You've come a long way.
Kaw--I realized that if I want him to adore me, don't I need to do the same for him? Instead of finding all the things that he could be doing better, I should be finding what he does well and emphasizing that? To do the goofy things that I used to. Now, I know he would never let the hula girl live on his dashboard, but she seems quite appropriate on mine and it does make me smile, which I assume can be catching!
Totite--the speaking up seems to take practice. While we dated I never, or rarely hesitated, but over time it just seemed to creep up and I kept my mouth shut. Much easier to just deal with the stuff immediately than let it simmer.
DB! Hi! Good to see you. The boys are running around with their busy social lives. S5 is finally old enough to play organized soccer and have him in some camps this year and we are doing vacation bible school at a bunch of the local churches, they just love it. Off to my parents next week to get some beach time in. I though summer would be relaxing, but we are running around more than ever.
Sue, it is amazing when you just ask for something, they seem to appreciate it as well, not trying to read our minds so much, but being given clear instructions. I'm glad things are going so well for you. I need to start walking too. I was debating about finding a job with both boys starting full time school this year, but I might focus on getting healthy for a year first. Take the time just for me. I have a part time job from home, so still doing some work and S5 is in a special kindergarten, so I'm not sure how much volunteer time I can do there. Just want to be greedy and spend some time on me and figuring out what I want in life. Feels like I've just been concentrating on everyone else, and as I have learned, that isn't healthy either. Though giving up the little debby snack cakes would go a long way with my weight loss goals!
Hi Mal! Good to be back, trying to get life ogranized again!
Things seem to be moving along here, trying to make use of what I have learned through this whole process and therapy. I'm getting much better at saying what is on my mind even if it isn't what he wants to hear, in the end it seems to work. This seems to come up every day, I didn't realize what a wimp I had become.
I have begun to approach the subject about mending the rift between my sister and H. My S called him when he was moving out and gave her a piece of her mind, he is still very angry with her (that was October) and he seems to be entertaining the thought of doing a family vacation with them next summer for my Ps 40th anniversary. His last comment on S was that if she steps foot in this house he woudn't be here, so it looks like we are making some progress. We haven't been to see the T since May and this issue is really the only unresolved thing we have, not sure if I should press seeing T about it or leave it alone for the moment.
Just spent a week with my aunts and cousins, not my H's idea of fun, but he did it with a smile and I'm learning to be grateful for these acts instead of expecting him to just do these things.
Stay out of it between your H and S - all they have to do is be polite to each other. Sis is always going to be in your corner - H is always going to feel she should have stayed out of it (and feel guilty and embarrassed). They don't have to be best buddies.
Ellie, you are right, it is really a no-win situation, they both feel entitled to their opinons and both think they were right in their actions. He has agreed to this cruise thing, I don't need to harp on it any more and make him feel happy about it, just doing it is a huge step.
Things have been going really well here. I still get caught up in the "where we were a year ago" drama, in my own mind at least. His birthday is in two weeks, which really was the end of it all last year. And as luck has it, my father is having surgery the day before and the boys and I won't be here for the entire day of his birhtday. I'm thinking of postponing the trip a day to be able to do a birthday breakfast and then head south. H says it is only a b-day, doesn't matter, yet age is part of his MLC and whole downward spiral last year.
I have brought up the subject of T-giving, the only holiday I was apart from the kids. We usually always do it at the ILs, but told him I would prefer to do something different, not bring back memories of last year. I think I should be able to put it all behind me, but I know realistically I'll be replaying everything in my head and getting pissed at the ILs and H again, so tyring to avoid it. H has agreed to going away somewhere and doing something different this year. I'm grateful he was willing to listen to me and understand my point of view.
Heading out camping tomorrow. Low key vacation, should be nice. Thinking of everyone, this board is what kept me sane these past two years.
I was right where you are regarding the birthday and the "one year ago" thing.
My 40th was last July 24 and my H's b-day is 8 days later. Last year he moved out between the two, after telling me at the end of June that he was moving out.
So this year, I was out of town on mine for most of the day and came home to find that he and D9 bought all the fixings for dinner, flowers and a certificate for a half-day spa. PRetty nice. Then last week his aunt had a stroke right before his b-day so we crossed our fingers that she wouldn't die on his b-day. She made it to the next day. The kids and I made him dinner, a cake and wrapped up fishing stuff. He enjoyed it - even with his aunt's inevitable death hanging over us. Now we have made it through her funeral and will get back on track. The stress caused a few moments of uncertainty, but I think we will be okay.
I like the idea of you folks celebrating early prior to going out of town. Is there a restaurant that you can go to that will bring a cake to the table - and have the wait staff sing HB? We have several chains around that do that?
Do you have a few friends that can join in or do you wish to keep it just family?
Also, on his b-day, can you arrange to have a cookie bouquet or balloons delivered to his workplace? Or ask a neighbor to tie them to his car (if you buy them prior to leaving)?
Have the kids record singing HB and leave it out for him to play that morning - a big note saying "listen to me" on it. OR call his voicemail late at night and sing it so he gets it the next morning!
You could have lots of fun with it. Keep it light and not remember anything from last year.
Don't mark all of the next year with the "Last year at this time" thinking. It won't help anyone - least of all your R with H. You both lived it - not let it go.
I just drove by a neighborhood church today and the sign said -
Quote: Forgiving is painful, but not forgiving is more painful.
I think the same can be said for forgetting, don't you?
Tell you what, if you can work to forget the markers of the past year, I will too. We can help each other out. Talk about it here, but try to not live it again - what do you say?
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
I wish I could do the forget part! If you figure out how, let me know. It sneaks up at times and just ruins whatever mood I am in. But, I'm getting better, I think just simple time between then and now helps out.
I postponed my trip one day so we could have a birthday breakfast with H before heading south. Also had a small party for H and my aunt (they share the same b-day) and bought him a surprise cake from his favorite ice cream place. I think it went well, he seemed happy. Also seems happy to be getting projects done around the house. Time will tell. I've been a bit cranky, too, think it is time to get the fighting boys back to school!
