I don't know if this will post, as the forum has been wonky for me lately. (Hey moderators - am I on some kind of probation?)

Anyway, this weekend that I've been so dreading is wrapping up. And do you know what? I felt JOY during it. Not all the time, but some of it. Pockets of it.

I saw some old photos of when W and I were so happy. A bit painful still, but they were accurate and true. I want to respect that happy time we had. And then some photos of when I know now neither of us were living our full potential. That's hard to swallow - but also was true.

Things are moving quickly now with the D and the house selling and me moving. It has been about 9 months since W asked for the D, and about 13-14 months since BD. So in some ways this is not "fast" at all. Maybe it's just all wrapping up in a few ways?

But when I see my future I see happiness. I really do. I see so much personal growth and authenticity in who I am becoming. I'm still mourning W and what we had, absolutely. But this hopeful feeling I didn't expect to shine through right now while going through a lot of painful stuff. I didn't know I could feel pain and joy at the same time over the same thing.

I'm losing some things. But what am I gaining? Honestly, I don't know but I know that I am gaining something. And because I don't know what it is, I feel hope. I am hopeful for my future which is unknown. What an amazing feeling.

I feel stronger (emotionally) than I ever have. I have more purpose and direction than I ever have. I made some decisions about pursuing my Masters degree, and what kind of life I want to live. I am trying SO hard to be social and make friends. I am embracing the sun and the breeze and my shoulders are golden with my gardening.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is for others who are still so "in it" and can't escape mentally the pain. I understand. I 100% understand. I just want to wish you a few pockets of light even during your toughest hours. Give you PERMISSION to laugh and feel hope, or relief, or joy when you know you're supposed to be sad. It's okay to feel two things at once. It doesn't mean you don't love or care, and it doesn't mean you're giving up. It just means you value your life, and you won't let anyone take that from you. You are living something that is honest and authentic. And that means it's messy.