This is Part 1 of 2. It's lengthy so I split it up. As I write this, Part 2 hasn't happened yet. That's scheduled in 1 hour. Wish me luck!
After much soul searching, praying, discussion with a trusted friend, and divine intervention, I decided that I would meet with H and get on the record that his behavior with his girlfriend is not o.k., and that if that was the path he chose for now, we need to move for a more formal separation. I think I deserve my privacy in my own home, and the kids deserve more clarity. I’ve had 10 months to develop my clarity, the kids have not. They are hurting, badly. Especially my daughter. She doesn’t mention H, but I have to believe our sitch and his ignoring her plays a big role.
So as I already posted, I was very anxious during my vacation. For seemingly no reason. After I found out about H bringing OW to meet his mother, I called a trusted friend. She gave me so much clarity on my next course of action. I know this is not the DBing thing to do, but I realized that I have hit the moment where I needed to express to H that his actions are not o.k. I also realized that even though anxiety is running rampant, I am prepared for any outcome my discussion with him would bring.
That night, after talking with my friend, I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn’t get back to sleep. I decided to read my bible. I sometimes write versus or prayers in my journal, so I turned to the latest entry. This is the last entry, undated, with no reference to where I heard it or read it:
“I was silent and I held my peace to no avail, and my distress only grew worse”. Psalm 39:2
This is the place I have finally come. I finally feel the need to share with my H. Be real, authentic, and honest. The burden of not expressing myself has become too much. It’s keeping me a bit stuck.
Prior to my late afternoon meeting (which as I write this is in 1 hours), D19 and I spent a morning and early afternoon shopping and a wonderful seafood lunch down by the water (although my stomach was so nervous I couldn’t eat much). She said over and over how great it was to spend time with me. I was glad for the distraction, and being with her seeing her happy made my heart melt. We chatted a bit about her anxiety, and how I hoped she would seek help immediately if she felt overwhelmed at school. She shared she saw a counselor there, and talked about her dad. I did not pry. She does not know I will see him later today, but I did say that dad is in a crisis, and I think we need to be prepared for the worst. She said she already had. I plan to get her into regular counseling with a therapist that’s not on campus to see her through the storm. She was receptive.
So the time is near. Nervous is an understatement. Anyway, I look good. I think real good. Thought that couldn’t hurt. Two friends messaged me words of encouragement and support. So thankful for them! As I write this I’m sad for H. He has no friends. OW is it, I’m 100% certain.
Off I go. I’m hoping to get there before H so I can choose the spot in the restaurant. I have to drop D19 off at work first, so it will be close.
I have no prediction whatsoever on how the course of events will unfold. I plan to read something I wrote after asking him is there is anything he would like to say. I believe I'm ready for any reaction. One doesn't really know until the event, does one?
