Had a great fun weekend with D - we really are bonding more than we ever could when I was with W - her controlling nature and depression made it difficult to do things I wanted to do as a family and so (mistakenly) ended up not doing them.
I took her home and was as calm and as relaxed as I have been since BD with W. Beside her normal venting about day to day problems to me (which I validated her feelings on) she also seemed fairly relaxed.
She still seems fairly adamant that all her problems and problems in the MR are/were my fault and the improvement in her mood recently prove that (she hasnt been tearful recently). Still on a fairly high dose of SSRI. I didn’t bother trying to explain to her that it takes two to tango and it doesn’t necessarily follow the improvement in her mood proves things were all my fault - time and space are great healers as are some of the changes she has started to make for herself. I also feel better in some ways but it doesn’t mean I want D etc.
I was happy with my level of detachment until I showed some beta weakness around how busy work is at he moment and how I don’t have the headspace I usually have for it. No idea why I did this. I guess I’m still occasionally treating her as my W rather than the alien she is and that the NGS is still alive and kicking. I still had a good shout and scream about the sitch and the alien herself on the drive back from the house though.
The more time that passes, the stronger and more confident I feel and the more I feel like I will move back and, however hard it will be, it will at least put the ball in her court and put me in a better place to start any D process. I then get times like tonight where I think I would be best not bothering, move to a bigger rental place and to get on with the rest of my life. I must go and see another L soon to help me decide.
I still have time though. It is a couple of months before I would go back.
