I've been thinking a lot about that last sentence I wrote. How can I be mourning something I don't even want any more?
I've been sad and mourning about a future I thought I had. Things that haven't been real for a bit. But I don't actually want her now that I'm envisioning a different future. I'm in transition with this feeling, so I still waiver back and forth. She will always be my W, but I really cannot live with her in my life now.
W is here arranging the house for staging/sale. Her friend is with her helping. I'm just so annoyed. So typical W. We disagree on how things should go, and she's pulling out plants and weeding things that I wanted to stay. I'm ignoring it, because this really won't be my house for long and it's ultimately her sale. If she thinks some sterile house with no life in it will attract buyers she can go ahead with that. But folks here want gardens - not lawn.
She took the grill which REALLY bugged me, because I had planned to use it for parties. Deep breath. It doesn't matter, it's just a "thing". Just got to get through this. She did apologize for taking it without asking. It wasn't intentional.
I've been thinking about the cutie I have a crush on. And while long term she is not someone viable for me, just seeing a different personality type is really eye opening. How I might interact differently with someone who respects my autonomy. Who has their own.
W is making assumptions about who I am as she always has. "Yail, if I put in some flowers in this planter will you water them and be able to keep them alive?" REALLY wanted to say "F- you". I've been gardening all summer and the house looks [censored] great. But just neutrally said, "sure thing". She still thinks I'm this helpless princess who can't do anything for herself and I'm seeing today just SO clearly that she has felt that way for a long time.
We are okay with each other communication wise. She's being mildly/politely conversational. She is okay. No hurt, just wants to get her life going in new place and to stop coming back here. I am being the same. I just want her out of my space.
My transition living situation will likely be yucky, and I'll just have to power through that and keep my future farmhouse in my minds eye. Keep working hard. Maybe get a second job, and build my life and my physical space into something I want for myself.
For a while I wanted to keep this house so I could have people over and parties. Now I don't - I want to wait until I have MY space for people to come over. Drinks late into the night, card games, fires in the back and lots of laughter. I'm going to be building my tribe of people that I never had and I'm so excited.
I'm going to a music festival this afternoon. I'm desperately hoping that the cutie I know is there. Soooo want to see her in a social situation. She's more flirty with a beer in hand. While it is logically "not a good idea" for me to pursue this, my good friend made a comment to me a few weeks ago. "Yail - you need to stop being pursued. You need to be the pursuer". It's amazing how this applies to both romance and my every day life.
So now I'm pursuing my life. My loves. My passions. I have a little smirk in my mind's-eye. Life is full of adventure and I'm wanting to pounce on it. And the next time I have a crush on someone and I get an "okay" signal, maybe I'll be the one to make the first move. How thrilling!
