Thanks everyone. I can't say I am feeling great today, but your kind words and empathy and the understanding from people who have experienced or are experiencing the same thing is very comforting.
The school thing with H was okay. He was very friendly and seemed tense but focussed on Youngest, which was just as it should be. We sat together and had a little chit chat about Youngest's performance. He told me he was feeling very down at the moment, and I said I hoped he had a relaxing weekend as it had been a tough few months for him, and left it at that.
Today he came to pick up the kids. I had them ready and everyone was in good spirits. Youngest wanted to know why I wasn't going, and I said it was a party for FIL and him and it was a bit too long to leave the puppy on his own. H piped up and said, 'well, we could all go and take the puppy with us,' which I wasn't very happy about. Perhaps he meant that out of kindness and wanting to ease the conversation, and perhaps I should have been more honest and direct with Youngest in that moment, but I couldn't think of how to do it without sounding blaming (well, actually I'm not invited as your dad's family has been ignoring me for months,' is true and NOT the right thing to say) so I felt caught on the back foot. I don't suppose it was H's intention to make Youngest think I could have gone, but was choosing not to, but I hope Youngest forgets all about it and just has a nice time.
It's been hard - I can understand the fact that the ILs might feel awkward or confused, and I can also bear in mind I am bringing a lot of my own childhood stuff into this. But it's also true that when I've texted (just twice in six months) to say thank you for bringing the kids back, or thanks for a present they gave to Eldest, those texts haven't been responded to at all. I have no idea what they think of me, but I do know their family culture - one of my SILs had a long term partner who she sadly ended the relationship with. It was all fairly amicable and he was a good man who hadn't mistreated her. And within 5 hours of her telling her mother she'd split up with him, all photographs of him were removed from the family photograph wall and his name was never ever mentioned again. It's like he never existed. How they respond to this is up to them, and how I respond to that is up to me. I am determined to be friendly but that family culture has never sat right with me and I don't want to replicate it for my own children or to communicate to them that's the normal and right way to behave when family structures change.
I'm off out this afternoon anyway to see some friends. I will have a good time and not dwell on this.
