Well I have had a rollercoaster few days. A nice evening away where I went to the pub and there were lots of nice people and music, a real community feel. That was lovely. A nice event yesterday where I went and worked with a group in a pub and then went and played pool with them and then had dinner with some of my new friends. One of them asked about H and I said I didn't wish to discuss him, the other group don't even know I'm married. When I see these people I'm just me, it's odd but freeing. A very tiring week particularly as I have been working super hard and trying to keep on top of housework and domestic stuff.
A few days ago some post arrived which was a new bank account H has set up in his name. Bearing in mind all of our accounts have been joint for nearly 30 years. A punch to the gut, particularly as he sent them HERE and not to his flat. He must have done this after his mystery week away. What a cruel and passive aggressive action, to not even warn me in advance. It sent me in a proper tailspin for a few days, particularly with some bad nights' sleep on top. I basically cried my entire IC session. Yesterday I pulled myself together and was remarkably calm. Being back home today is difficult though.
I've been pretending I didn't know to him. I met up with him for a quick drink before my other events yesterday. I was kind and validating and interested in his work stuff, he gave me a fond kiss goodbye. I must be a really good actress lol. He seemed uncertain and maybe even guilty (rightly so). He said he's coming back home tomorrow (well of course he is, he has post to pick up doesn't he) and he asked if I would be around and wanted to go for a walk. I said probably (I am not going to just up sticks and leave my home whenever he fancies coming round). But now I'm reconsidering, I'm thinking that this walk is for the purposes of another R talk where he says he needs more space or wants to formalise the separation, and I don't need that. I have so much stress in my life right now trying to meet my October work deadline, I cannot be dragged into any drama for a few months. I refuse to be dragged into any drama in fact, I need to focus hard on my work and on being a good enough mother and on looking after myself. If he insists on having an R talk where he says he wants to formalise things towards D then I think I will ask him to hold off until October. Tomorrow I think I am going to have other plans, I'm not sure I can face him without anger or sorrow. I can't work out whether this is cowardly or the right step.
