Daily rollercoaster of emotions

[Rita]

Sometimes I remind myself that people live through wars, famine, disease, cancer, gulags. Life hands us a lot of suffering. It's how you bear it that defines you.

You might have to lash out at him. I think we've all done it. It won't change anything and it will probably make you feel worse because he will not understand you. It will only prove to him that you are just what he thought you were.

I think it's impossible to listen to the old timers telling you to let him go. I thought I did that but I didn't realize until now, seven years in, that I am only now letting him go. And it's not because I wanted to or tried. He just got so disgusting that there was nothing to hold on to anymore. The only way he could come back is if the scales came off his eyes, and there is nothing I can do to cause that to happen. Think of DnJ, Gordie, Grace, SBJ, sjohn, all the wonderful people you know here. Do you think they are any less worthy than you of not being hurt in this way?

We are living through a tragedy. It hurts. It burns. If your pot boils over from all that burning, and boils over at your H, it boils over. Maybe you aren't strong enough right now to keep it from boiling in his direction. That's okay. We're just trying to tell you that the only one who will get scalded is you. And that we'll be here to put some nice cool aloe on your burn marks, because we got burned in the same way and as a result we got the aloe ready for our own burns and are glad to share it.

A book I am reading now is Father Arseny, 1893-1973: Priest, Prisoner, Spiritual Father... I know you are not religious but this book is an incredible story of this renowned art historian who became a priest and ended up in the gulags. It has taught me a lot about patience and about bearing suffering. In fact my son who is such a mess has been asking me to read it to him every night because he asked me to read to him when I was reading it and got really hooked. And he is not a believer, my son, I mean. And is a mess. But this book is very powerful and a gentle read. Maybe you can try it.

And by the way, your H might not have had something with the OW. He might just be a selfish jerk right now who doesn't like to be needed. Scratch that "might." My H refuses ALL THE TIME to do anything for my kids and has paid for nothing in seven years. He even took all the money out of my D's wallet twice in her life, and I had to replace it so she would stop asking him for it as it was causing her so much anxiety. That didn't wake him up, Nyla. My getting cancer didn't wake him up. My son shoplifting, being suicidal, running away from home, and now refusing to see him or speak to him did not wake my H up. He still thinks it's me. Boil over if you want, but it won't do anything to change him. Only God or the universe or time can change your H. Your only option is to live a life on your own until then or to give up your stand and not keep the door open.

We love you and we understand your pain, Nyla. It's not fair. But you are in the right place to help your kids through this tragedy and get them to the other side. That's what you are here for now. Your life has meaning and beauty for you to find, even if your H has rejected you and all you planned for your life. You are not condemned to this h*ll. Only your H is, because he made it for himself. You just have to walk through the fire and pull your kids through it, there is a beautiful garden beyond it! (Believe me, I need the same pep talk!) XOXOXO