It has been some time since I have been on the boards. I needed to take a break for a little while. I hope to catch up on everyone's progress and hope everyone is doing well.
My H moved out the first of the month. Although we were beginning to connect more and more, the wheels were already in motion, and I know my H, he was determined to stick to his plan. He of course reminded me that I moved his things out of the MBR, and I told him to leave. He is bitter and seems to throw that back in my face from time to time to remind me that I played a part in this separation.
He didn't sleep for days before he left and told me he had a few very emotional days. I validated the best I could, but I was pretty emotional as well. We decided on NC for one week to get some space and time to think. He added that if we missed each other it would be ok to text or call- to break NC. As he left he repeated over and over that he did not want to say goodbye to me, that he was not giving up on us, and that he was not giving up hope. And guess what? 2 hours later he was texting me..... Checking on me, telling me he loved me. He continued to call and text and still calls me by a pet name in person and text. I let him make contact the first few days, but then I started to initiate as this had been an issue in our M. His responses are immediate. Talk was light; work stuff, house, kids, plans for the day, etc.
He came to the house a few times, once to grab some things, and once to attend a cookout with the kids. I told him I missed him, he said he misses everything. He texted me later to apologize if things felt weird and that we would get through this.
A few days later he invited me to his apartment. We had a lovely time. We were very affectionate from the moment I arrived. Lots of hand holding and kissing. He was very attentive the whole time I was there. He mentioned he had bought my favorite snack "just in case" I ever stopped by. He doted on me. Our talk was fairly casual, no R talk, just light and fun. He made a few comments about, "whatever ends up happening with us...." such as his new mattress was a good investment because we would always have it.
He made dinner, we watched an movie, and ML. He held me tightly afterwards and kept pulling me in closer to him until we both fell asleep. We woke up and he asked if I was going to stay, I decided to go home. The next day I thanked him via text and he said it was nice, who knows what it all means, but we'll roll with it. So, although I know it was all too soon, and perhaps we were just both operating on emotions, I felt that we were stepping in the right direction.
Over the next few days I noticed he wasn't contacting me in the morning, but maybe he didn't want to wake me, or maybe he was retreating a bit. Every time I felt that I was pushing a bit by texting, I would take a step back and a few hours later he would message me.
Ok- here's where I forget everything I've learned and mess everything up..... I am out for a late appointment and tell him I will text him on my way home. To be honest, I was hoping he would invite me to stop by. I text him, he says he is out and we will talk in the morning. This is where I really screw up- I drove by his apartment! And guess what? He saw me! He had just gotten home as I drove by. My intention was to call him and ask if I could stop in, but I chickened out.
He called me very confused. I tried to explain myself, but validated how uncomfortable that must have been for him. I ended up going over so we could talk. At first he said we were texting too much, but later said he only said that because he was upset, he likes all the contact. I told him I just wanted him home. He said I'm here for a year, unless we have $$ to get out of the lease. We talked about how the separation seemed to come on so quickly and if we could have slowed the process down, we could have stopped it. Things were ok when I left, but he has definitely been feeling the pressure the past few days. He kissed me goodbye and told me to check in when I got home. He texted me to check on me and I called him when I got home. I told him that I crossed a boundary and I respect his privacy. That it would not happen again. He said "don't worry about it- we are good. We will have lots of bumps in the road on this journey and stuff like that is to be expected."
I am so angry with myself. Big step backward. I am taking a step back and letting him contact me. He texted me this morning to wish me a happy day and then this evening to tell me about his plans for the night. He asked what I was up to and thank goodness I have plans!! He will be over in the morning as we have some yard work to do. I am going to let him take the lead.
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I still have a lot to learn, but I will pick myself up and get back to work. I appreciate this forum as it gives me a place for support, guidance, and somewhere to vent! I'm off to GAL
