How To Treat Spouse With Children 2

[HrtHsbnd]

Sorry for so many posts at once. Just trying to catch up a little.

Thank you! I always appreciate your posts!

You and your W are in separate time frames. By the time she decides she wants to work on a relationship with you, it may be too late and you've move on with your life and have no desire to risk another possible heartache from her. We see it quite often.

All these things you want to say to her is your urgency to pursue. I get it. What you haven't quite accepted yet, is that DBing a WW goes against what your emotions are dictating. One reason I think more marriages are not saved is b/c the LBH takes too long before he finally drops the rope, and has nothing left to give when she wants to try again.

This is a very interesting point, even though we don’t know if she is WW or not. I think even the posters here have said that I’m portraying that but that doesn’t mean that she has been anywhere close to being WW. They agree with our friends and family, too.

You are so right, though. We are on separate timeframes. I feel that I have been through a lot. While I am truly sorry for how I treated the 8 months before BD, she has treated me so much worse since then. I truly am trying to drop the rope. I feel that it has taken me awhile though to get to this point. I am just afraid that I am moving on and don’t want her in my life, even though I strongly feel that’s not what’s best for my son or our family.

I feel I have done EVERYTHING to work on our marriage and everyone including the MC seems to agree. I feel that she has done nothing and I mean NOTHING and that’s what hurts so much. She was reading books on webchat with our S and said she wanted to read like a family. I got somewhat aggravated and said that we are NOT a family and I didn’t want to pretend like we were. I didn’t want our S to hear do I spelled it out.

Then I took him to a baseball game and he had such a fun time. I feel he truly made lifelong memories that evening. I invited her and instead of immediately refusing to go, she waited about 18 hours before she declined. I don’t know what that means, but I hope it’s because she is thinking about it and getting opinions.

You can't give her too much breathing room. This woman doesn't want you. She is not the girl you married. You are pressuring someone who has no desire/loving feelings for you. You are either afraid to give her plenty of space and time without you..........or else you are a controller. Look, maybe before you married her you chased her and she liked it. That's how the game is played before marriage. However, the reason it worked is b/c she wanted it. If she was repelled by you........there would have been a different ending. Do you get what I'm saying? What works in a WW sitch is for the LBH to dump her...........at least, it appears that he is through and moving on with his life. (I hope you won't ask me what that looks like, b/c then I'll think you've never broken up with a girl you didn't want anymore.) The LBH fears that the picture he gives of "dumping her" will give her what she wants or somehow discourages the chance of reconciling. That's the crazy part that a lot of guys don't get. Once the H emotionally lets go, she senses it and it draws her toward him.

She'll know when you stop all the pressuring techniques you've been using. She'll know when you aren't obviously interested in every move she makes or every word she utters. Don't wait around, expecting some detached feelings to suddenly show up. Act as if you are already detached. Do the action and let the feeling catch up.

Again, you are so right! I have been trying to do this these past few weeks. I feel I have gotten off the emotional rollercoaster.

I don’t feel that it’s fair to assume that I know how to ‘dump’ my wife, though. While I have broken up with women in the past, I feel that this is a completely different situation because she’s my wife and easily the longest relationship I’ve ever had. Not to mention we have a family together. This is why I don’t want to date anyone, which is usually what I do when I move on.

Quite frankly, I’m thinking about giving her my ring back and just being done with it. But again, I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do or not.

Any suggestions on how to dump her in this situation?

Wait.........it has nothing to do with you talking and her listening. This is not a relationship discussion. As for it being your place.....You can only make protective boundaries around yourself. It's like an invisible shield around you. You decide what type of bad treatment you won't tolerate from other people. If someone does not respect you, then you have to make a move. You may decide to hang up, or walk away.......but you are always the one who does the responding action when another person disrespects you. It's up to you to protect your feelings. And, I can tell you the only way to enforce a boundary is if your responding action is a consequence to the offender. Otherwise, they don't learn to take you seriously, and they continue repeating the disrespect. But you decide what you'll do. You don't have a discussion. You don't navigate. I'd advise you not to say or do anything, until you have read the homework on personal boundary setting.... and how to enforce those boundaries if dishonored. Think of property boundaries. They are there for a reason, and should someone disregard our property lines, then we take some type of action to protect what is valuable to us.

I am trying to remember this as I am communicating with her. These boundaries are for me. She has put certain boundaries in place for her, so I don’t know why I can’t have some in place for me.

Her talking about how she wants to play house is DEFINITELY one of my boundaries.

Your W is not in one accord with you. She blames you for her unhappiness. Even if she didn't want her folks at the house, her stubborn pride with not cooperate with you wanting to approach the in-laws about leaving. This is simply another example of why MC isn't usually successful with reconciliation in WW cases. Now, should she decide to start doing the right thing, feel remorse for her behavior and want to save the M......then MC can help. Right now, she's not in the right frame of mind.

Since we don’t know if she is a WAW or a WW, I don’t know how to apply this advice. I see your point, though. I suggested in MC to apologize to her parents and she REALLY seemed to warm up to the idea. I think it shellshocked her, honestly. She is very stubborn and I hope that she will be in one accord with me soon.

She feels that she is doing the right thing. So much so that I have actually had to ask people we both know and I trust whether or not I’m misunderstanding the situation. I have been told by all of them that I am doing the right things and thinking the right way to get my family back. She does not feel she has done anything wrong, other than to take a huge listing away from me and she does not seem to want to save the M. She says her going to MC is the way she’s showing me she is working on the marriage, though she calls it coparenting.

Yikes! That's a really bad situation. Everyone lives in your house, but you. I suggest you wait until you consult with a lawyer as to where you stand legally on this one. I mean, once you leave and she claims it was voluntary........IDK. So, check with the lawyer ASAP.

Yes it is a bad situation.

I already left and came back and had to leave again based on the courts.

I think it's more common for the WW to not want to work on the marriage. She didn't become wayward overnight. It took her a while. The good news is that it can turn around. In order for it to turn around, she has to show respect for you. She can behave respectfully, even if she doesn't feel it. That's why I want you to get the right information and stop applying ineffective methods. You need the right tools in order to get the right results.

Again, everyone here and friends and family feel she is a WAW, except you and I. So I’m not sure that she actually is a WW.

She should start showing respect, as I deserve her highest respect.

Thank you for looking out for me. I look forward to reading your responses!