Anxious, Emotional Neglect, and LRT

[SteveLW]

Josh, do not give up the MBR or marital bed. Period. Do not get into a "tonight I sleep on the couch, tomorrow you do" arrangement.

When you are ready, get ready, and go get in bed. Even if she is in there first. When she protests, calmly say: "I understand how you feel, however, this is my bed and I am going to sleep here. If you'd prefer to sleep elsewhere that is up to you." Then turn over and go to sleep.

On the property plan. Listen to AS. Solid advice. I'd also talk to a D attorney, ASAP. Trust me on this, it is one of the best moves I made in my sitch! When she brings it up remember a response like this: "There is a lot to consider and I am not ready to give you any answers right now." If she pushes, listen and validate.

DB isn't working? So many LBSs fall into the trap of "I did this DB technique, and my W threatened to file for D. It doesn't work." Let me ask you, other than talking, what actions has she taken? Has she filed? Moved out? Hired an attorney? My W loved to throw out her "plans" in my sitch. I remember the night I told her that in order to stay together we would need complete transparency. She said "Ok, I need to work on my resume and get things moving." As in she was moving forward with the D. She worked on it that night and the next morning, then abandoned it. I had a bad moment where I asked her to see her phone, she handed it over and then came back that she was going to file for D because it was never going to work. When you do something she doesn't like she will talk. But what are her actions? Believe nothing she says. Nothing. Positive or negative. And believe only have of what she does.

Josh, you make one DBing move (taking back the MBR) and then declare DB a failure. These things take time. Some of the best advice I got in my sitch was to not gauge her temperature every minute, hour, or day. Our sitches are like the stock market. There will be minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day fluctuations. Judge things by trend over time. Take stock once a month, or every other month. Ask yourself how well you DB'd (GAL, 180s, detachment). Then see what effect it may have had on your sitch. Not just with her, but with you.

You got this man!