Need Some Advice Please!!

[SteveLW]

Hi all. I'm new to the forum and could do with some advice from you lovely people please.

So last year my wife said she wanted a divorce. We've had trouble for years. She was a fairly crappy housewife and spent way to much and in response I was cold and unloving towards her. This made her even more miserable so she did less and spent more so I was less inclined to be loving towards her and so we spiralled.

The thing is, when she said she wanted a divorce I knew I'd messed up and did all the things you're not supposed to do (telling her I can change, phone calls, gifts etc) and of course it didn't work.

Early this year she said that was definitely it and filed. I subsequently found out she'd been messaging a friend of a friend with some very explicit messages. She says it didn't go physical and I believe her. I don't think they're still in regular contact but she does get the occasional message and i think she still thinks about him sometimes, maybe as a potential lover, maybe just as a friend. During this time I got myself together and GAL. So much so I was starting to look forward to a single life with joint shared custody of our two boys. Then about a month ago she had family troubles and I was there for her (we still live together as the sale of our home has collapsed twice). She said she wanted to try again. Hallelujah! Except I said I didn't know. I didn't know if I could forgive her all that and if that was the life I wanted. By the time I though it through and said yes, she'd changed her mind. So now I'm back wanting her again and she's even more determined to push it over the line this time. What do I do? I've bought Divorce Remedies and am reading through it but Idont know where to start. She's given me the ILYBINILWY speach. Her biggest hurdle seems to be she dreads me coming home as she's been conditioned over the years to expect me to moan at the state of the house (which she acknowledges I don't now do and ive been so much better but she can't get over it). She acknowledges I've changed and I'm unrecognizable in a good way (more loving, less snappy, more patient, less controlling etc) but the damage is done. There's so much more detail I could add, so much more background but it would turn into an essay! Happy to answer any more info you need.

Any and all advice welcome!

Thanks

" She says it didn't go physical and I believe her. "

This jumped out at me. Remember, BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS. Nothing. Assume the worst, hope for the best. I had evidence of my W's EA and she still denied it. I also had proof (I found the pictures and had copies!) of her sending nude photos to the OM, and she still denied it. The minute you start to believe anything she says you will start to make bad decisions.

"Her biggest hurdle seems to be she dreads me coming home as she's been conditioned over the years to expect me to moan at the state of the house (which she acknowledges I don't now do and ive been so much better but she can't get over it). She acknowledges I've changed and I'm unrecognizable in a good way (more loving, less snappy, more patient, less controlling etc) but the damage is done."

This was my sitch...to a tee! Gomez, all you can do is be consistent with your 180s on this. The moment you slip up and fall back on this you will be back to square one. For me to 180 on this I had to get myself in the right state of mind on entering the house. I often would come in singing, this made me happy and put my W and D at ease that I wasn't in my brooding, "WHY IS THE HOUSE TRASHED?!" state of mind. But this takes a long time. I think sometimes my W still doesn't trust it and I haven't been like that in over a year and a half!

I saw your follow-up. Why can't you find a new tennis partner? Here is the thing Gomez, WAWs, and WWs in particular, like to cake eat. They like to be able to do whatever they want and still get all the benefits of having a husband. Start to break that. Start to show her what life without you will look like.

As far as cooking. Cook for you and the boys. If she eats it too, fine. But don't "include" her. As in when it is ready, call the boys to eat. If she comes to eat too, don't stop her but start showing her that you are moving forward for you and the boys. SHe's welcome to come along for the ride but you are not going to go out of your way to include her.