Hi Gomez, sorry you are here but welcome to the forums! Wow you two have quite the pursuit/ distance dynamic going on. I'll highlight below:
Originally Posted by Gomez
She was a fairly crappy housewife and spent way to much and in response I was cold and unloving towards her. This made her even more miserable so she did less and spent more so I was less inclined to be loving towards her and so we spiralled.
The thing is, when she said she wanted a divorce I knew I'd messed up and did all the things you're not supposed to do (telling her I can change, phone calls, gifts etc) and of course it didn't work.
So she's a crappy wife that you were no doubt thinking about leaving yourself, but because SHE BD'd first it suddenly threw you into thinking you couldn't live without her. Here's the problem, she's still the same wife as before. If you thought she was crappy then you will again. You need to take off the rose-colored glasses that you put on at BD and realize that. If you work your tail off and win her back then 6 months later you're going to be in the same place, resentful of how crappy you think she is and being cold and unloving towards her hoping it'll snap her out of it (it won't). Anyway this was the start of the pursuit/distance cycle. BD is the ultimate form of distancing, so you pursued in a big way in response, which as you now know is the wrong thing to do.
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She says it didn't go physical and I believe her.
Oh man if I had a dollar for every LBS who said that and later learned his W was sleeping around all over the place. Don't believe anything she says right now.
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I don't think they're still in regular contact but she does get the occasional message
Then they're still in contact, you can bet on it. This is what we refer to as an EA (emotional affair) and even if it isn't physical, it is STILL an affair, it is STILL a betrayal.
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So much so I was starting to look forward to a single life with joint shared custody of our two boys. Then about a month ago she had family troubles and I was there for her (we still live together as the sale of our home has collapsed twice). She said she wanted to try again.
So you were starting to distance and what happened? BOOM she wants to try again, so now she is pursuing.
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Except I said I didn't know. I didn't know if I could forgive her all that and if that was the life I wanted. By the time I though it through and said yes, she'd changed her mind.
First of all you did the right thing in saying that you weren't sure. The WAS should be made to do a LOT of work to earn their way back into the marriage. The fact that she "changed her mind" tells me she was never really committed. So you tested her and she failed the test. The key here is you did nothing wrong, SHE did.
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So now I'm back wanting her again
Right, because she distanced and now you're pursuing again. So what's the lesson? STOP PURSUING! You need to distance, and distance some more. You keep distancing until she pursues, and then you KEEP distancing.
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Her biggest hurdle seems to be she dreads me coming home as she's been conditioned over the years to expect me to moan at the state of the house (which she acknowledges I don't now do and ive been so much better but she can't get over it).
New behavior + time = change she can believe in. You haven't given it the time yet. She has to see changed behavior over a long period of time before she'll believe it's not just tricks to get her back.
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A quick question about 180/ detaching. We currently do somethings together like tennis. Should I stop that? It seems counter intuitive to not do things together we enjoy. Also, I do most of the cooking-it would just p!ss her off to say I’ll cook for the boys but not you.
I wouldn't stop any of that for now but don't expect it to change anything. Just keep doing what you're doing. If and when you separate then you can change a lot of that to be more focused on you and the kids.
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Finally I assume when she says things like “ when we have our own places” or “when we’re divorced” I shouldn’t balk but presumably join in and seem enthused by it?
No don't act enthused. Your attitude should be "I want you to stay and work on the M, but if leaving is what you want then I won't stand in your way." So don't be excited, but don't sulk either. If she talks about life after D then just show zero interest.
