I had forgotten that the occasional cry really helps release those emotions and puts me on an even keel. It has been a long time since I've cried.
Tonight I was cleaning the house preparing for W to come tomorrow. Stuffed some stuff in closets. Decided I really dislike the art work she hung in the house, took more of it down. Made a mistake and peeked at my wedding dress, which was worn only 1.5 years ago. Well that started the tears.
But I kept cleaning while crying. And then sat down to fill out the Divorce asset paperwork which is step #1. I've been trying to get to this for a few days, but each time I get worked up. Today it seemed easier. Cold, hard facts. Here's what's in my IRA. Here's my bank account. Here are my expenses.
W makes so much more than I do, but I have always been able to budget and stay within my means. It isn't any different now. I keep elaborate budget spreadsheets so filling out the paperwork was a breeze. How much in groceries a month? I already have that down to the penny. Taking a 6 month average is a piece of cake.
Stick to the facts, Yail. W is gone, and W has been gone. W has every right to live her life, and you have been living yours. I have been spending most all of my free time daydreaming about another woman. Do I really think I'm in any way acting better than W?
Sure, I'm doing this as emotional protection. It's a defense, and it's a distraction. I'm fully aware of this. I don't actually want this other woman. But this other woman I'm coveting is not my W. And right now, that's okay. But I can't blame W for wanting something different when here I am doing the same.
Maybe it's not exactly the same. But I'm trying so hard to release her. It has been 9 months since she asked for the D and some days I'm just as broken as that first day.
I told a coworker about my crush. I needed to. I needed to ramp up the "feelings" I have for the crush, and nothing makes you more excited than when you share a secret with someone. The feelings were waning because she's not my W, and she's not someone I'm actually wanting a R or anything with. But pretending I do - staying in a fantasy land where I crush on her - it helps. So I told my coworker which brought me back to feeling all giddy as only a crush does.
W & I had a couple emails back and forth about logistics. I kept mine more conversational than I had been recently. I'm trying to not be as short and snippy as I'm feeling. Asked some logistical questions. She responded in a similar tone - less brief than before, more conversational. I hated it. I don't know why. It just seemed too much like she is okay with moving forward.
I don't want her in the house tomorrow. I don't want her in my space. But it's her house, and she is doing all of the work for this house to be sold, which is necessary. So I have no right to ask her not to be here when she is calmly and clearly taking steps forward in a respectful manner.
Grief is no joke. How can I be mourning something I don't even want anymore?
