Hi all. I'm new to the forum and could do with some advice from you lovely people please.
So last year my wife said she wanted a divorce. We've had trouble for years. She was a fairly crappy housewife and spent way to much and in response I was cold and unloving towards her. This made her even more miserable so she did less and spent more so I was less inclined to be loving towards her and so we spiralled.
The thing is, when she said she wanted a divorce I knew I'd messed up and did all the things you're not supposed to do (telling her I can change, phone calls, gifts etc) and of course it didn't work.
Early this year she said that was definitely it and filed. I subsequently found out she'd been messaging a friend of a friend with some very explicit messages. She says it didn't go physical and I believe her. I don't think they're still in regular contact but she does get the occasional message and i think she still thinks about him sometimes, maybe as a potential lover, maybe just as a friend. During this time I got myself together and GAL. So much so I was starting to look forward to a single life with joint shared custody of our two boys. Then about a month ago she had family troubles and I was there for her (we still live together as the sale of our home has collapsed twice). She said she wanted to try again. Hallelujah! Except I said I didn't know. I didn't know if I could forgive her all that and if that was the life I wanted. By the time I though it through and said yes, she'd changed her mind. So now I'm back wanting her again and she's even more determined to push it over the line this time. What do I do? I've bought Divorce Remedies and am reading through it but Idont know where to start. She's given me the ILYBINILWY speach. Her biggest hurdle seems to be she dreads me coming home as she's been conditioned over the years to expect me to moan at the state of the house (which she acknowledges I don't now do and ive been so much better but she can't get over it). She acknowledges I've changed and I'm unrecognizable in a good way (more loving, less snappy, more patient, less controlling etc) but the damage is done. There's so much more detail I could add, so much more background but it would turn into an essay! Happy to answer any more info you need.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
She acknowledges I've changed and I'm unrecognizable in a good way
If you're asking her if she sees changes, that is adding pressure. If you're doing this, I would advise you to stop. Have you seen R2C's posts about attraction?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You still live together, so you've got that going for you. What are your sleeping arrangements?
Maybe plan some special things with the boys? Take your mind off of her.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Separate rooms but we have had sex a couple of times within the last 3 months. She said straight away it shouldn’t have happened though. One thing I probably need to add is she’s always on her phone. I know she’s on social media but don’t know what she’s doing and I can’t help but think she’s messaging him but asking her doesn’t help anything. Just adds to her pressure and makes me look insecure (which TBF I am!)
A quick question about 180/ detaching. We currently do somethings together like tennis. Should I stop that? It seems counter intuitive to not do things together we enjoy. Also, I do most of the cooking-it would just p!ss her off to say I’ll cook for the boys but not you. Finally I assume when she says things like “ when we have our own places” or “when we’re divorced” I shouldn’t balk but presumably join in and seem enthused by it?
Hi Gomez, sorry you are here but welcome to the forums! Wow you two have quite the pursuit/ distance dynamic going on. I'll highlight below:
Originally Posted by Gomez
She was a fairly crappy housewife and spent way to much and in response I was cold and unloving towards her. This made her even more miserable so she did less and spent more so I was less inclined to be loving towards her and so we spiralled.
The thing is, when she said she wanted a divorce I knew I'd messed up and did all the things you're not supposed to do (telling her I can change, phone calls, gifts etc) and of course it didn't work.
So she's a crappy wife that you were no doubt thinking about leaving yourself, but because SHE BD'd first it suddenly threw you into thinking you couldn't live without her. Here's the problem, she's still the same wife as before. If you thought she was crappy then you will again. You need to take off the rose-colored glasses that you put on at BD and realize that. If you work your tail off and win her back then 6 months later you're going to be in the same place, resentful of how crappy you think she is and being cold and unloving towards her hoping it'll snap her out of it (it won't). Anyway this was the start of the pursuit/distance cycle. BD is the ultimate form of distancing, so you pursued in a big way in response, which as you now know is the wrong thing to do.
Quote
She says it didn't go physical and I believe her.
Oh man if I had a dollar for every LBS who said that and later learned his W was sleeping around all over the place. Don't believe anything she says right now.
Quote
I don't think they're still in regular contact but she does get the occasional message
Then they're still in contact, you can bet on it. This is what we refer to as an EA (emotional affair) and even if it isn't physical, it is STILL an affair, it is STILL a betrayal.
Quote
So much so I was starting to look forward to a single life with joint shared custody of our two boys. Then about a month ago she had family troubles and I was there for her (we still live together as the sale of our home has collapsed twice). She said she wanted to try again.
So you were starting to distance and what happened? BOOM she wants to try again, so now she is pursuing.
Quote
Except I said I didn't know. I didn't know if I could forgive her all that and if that was the life I wanted. By the time I though it through and said yes, she'd changed her mind.
First of all you did the right thing in saying that you weren't sure. The WAS should be made to do a LOT of work to earn their way back into the marriage. The fact that she "changed her mind" tells me she was never really committed. So you tested her and she failed the test. The key here is you did nothing wrong, SHE did.
Quote
So now I'm back wanting her again
Right, because she distanced and now you're pursuing again. So what's the lesson? STOP PURSUING! You need to distance, and distance some more. You keep distancing until she pursues, and then you KEEP distancing.
Quote
Her biggest hurdle seems to be she dreads me coming home as she's been conditioned over the years to expect me to moan at the state of the house (which she acknowledges I don't now do and ive been so much better but she can't get over it).
New behavior + time = change she can believe in. You haven't given it the time yet. She has to see changed behavior over a long period of time before she'll believe it's not just tricks to get her back.
Quote
A quick question about 180/ detaching. We currently do somethings together like tennis. Should I stop that? It seems counter intuitive to not do things together we enjoy. Also, I do most of the cooking-it would just p!ss her off to say I’ll cook for the boys but not you.
I wouldn't stop any of that for now but don't expect it to change anything. Just keep doing what you're doing. If and when you separate then you can change a lot of that to be more focused on you and the kids.
Quote
Finally I assume when she says things like “ when we have our own places” or “when we’re divorced” I shouldn’t balk but presumably join in and seem enthused by it?
No don't act enthused. Your attitude should be "I want you to stay and work on the M, but if leaving is what you want then I won't stand in your way." So don't be excited, but don't sulk either. If she talks about life after D then just show zero interest.
Hi all. I'm new to the forum and could do with some advice from you lovely people please.
So last year my wife said she wanted a divorce. We've had trouble for years. She was a fairly crappy housewife and spent way to much and in response I was cold and unloving towards her. This made her even more miserable so she did less and spent more so I was less inclined to be loving towards her and so we spiralled.
The thing is, when she said she wanted a divorce I knew I'd messed up and did all the things you're not supposed to do (telling her I can change, phone calls, gifts etc) and of course it didn't work.
Early this year she said that was definitely it and filed. I subsequently found out she'd been messaging a friend of a friend with some very explicit messages. She says it didn't go physical and I believe her. I don't think they're still in regular contact but she does get the occasional message and i think she still thinks about him sometimes, maybe as a potential lover, maybe just as a friend. During this time I got myself together and GAL. So much so I was starting to look forward to a single life with joint shared custody of our two boys. Then about a month ago she had family troubles and I was there for her (we still live together as the sale of our home has collapsed twice). She said she wanted to try again. Hallelujah! Except I said I didn't know. I didn't know if I could forgive her all that and if that was the life I wanted. By the time I though it through and said yes, she'd changed her mind. So now I'm back wanting her again and she's even more determined to push it over the line this time. What do I do? I've bought Divorce Remedies and am reading through it but Idont know where to start. She's given me the ILYBINILWY speach. Her biggest hurdle seems to be she dreads me coming home as she's been conditioned over the years to expect me to moan at the state of the house (which she acknowledges I don't now do and ive been so much better but she can't get over it). She acknowledges I've changed and I'm unrecognizable in a good way (more loving, less snappy, more patient, less controlling etc) but the damage is done. There's so much more detail I could add, so much more background but it would turn into an essay! Happy to answer any more info you need.
Any and all advice welcome!
Thanks
" She says it didn't go physical and I believe her. "
This jumped out at me. Remember, BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS. Nothing. Assume the worst, hope for the best. I had evidence of my W's EA and she still denied it. I also had proof (I found the pictures and had copies!) of her sending nude photos to the OM, and she still denied it. The minute you start to believe anything she says you will start to make bad decisions.
"Her biggest hurdle seems to be she dreads me coming home as she's been conditioned over the years to expect me to moan at the state of the house (which she acknowledges I don't now do and ive been so much better but she can't get over it). She acknowledges I've changed and I'm unrecognizable in a good way (more loving, less snappy, more patient, less controlling etc) but the damage is done."
This was my sitch...to a tee! Gomez, all you can do is be consistent with your 180s on this. The moment you slip up and fall back on this you will be back to square one. For me to 180 on this I had to get myself in the right state of mind on entering the house. I often would come in singing, this made me happy and put my W and D at ease that I wasn't in my brooding, "WHY IS THE HOUSE TRASHED?!" state of mind. But this takes a long time. I think sometimes my W still doesn't trust it and I haven't been like that in over a year and a half!
I saw your follow-up. Why can't you find a new tennis partner? Here is the thing Gomez, WAWs, and WWs in particular, like to cake eat. They like to be able to do whatever they want and still get all the benefits of having a husband. Start to break that. Start to show her what life without you will look like.
As far as cooking. Cook for you and the boys. If she eats it too, fine. But don't "include" her. As in when it is ready, call the boys to eat. If she comes to eat too, don't stop her but start showing her that you are moving forward for you and the boys. SHe's welcome to come along for the ride but you are not going to go out of your way to include her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
