W is coming this weekend and we will be reviewing asset paperwork and she'll be working on staging the house.
I don't know how I feel about her these days
I'm oscillating between ANGRY and HURT with a touch of moving on, and not feeling too worked up about it. Sometimes I just feel like, "Oh, yes. We're getting divorced and selling the house". And sometimes I think she will definitely regret this in a year or so. I don't know why I think a year - I just do. Sometimes I think maybe this was always going to happen. Sometimes I think there is something I could do, sometimes I think there is nothing I could do. Sometimes I think I'd rather just ignore her and be a bit short - but other times I think some "normalcy" in our conversations will be best for the long-run.
I have a choice. We don't need to speak ever again if that was my choice. We don't have kids, so we don't have a need to stay in touch. I don't know what to do with this choice.
I'm trying to remind myself that the best thing I can do is keep it simple. Not initiate conversations, but answer kindly and normally. The lovingly detach thing. That if there is a chance in the future for us to reconnect this leaves the door open. I don't have to decide anything now - I just have to not slam the door.
sometimes I want to slam the damn door. I never did get to yell back at her when she delivered so much hurt and told me all the ways I was wrong in our R. I never did scream at her for having an A. These behaviors that were just so NOT the W I knew - I was a deer in the headlights and I froze. She never saw me respond with much emotion at all - and from some of our last conversations before the break she takes this as proof that I didn't care "enough". Using it to justify herself. See? We were not meant to be. Yail didn't care enough to fight for the R.
You can't fight for something that already left. And by that time, she had already left.
I see how we were so clearly, and I see our problems so clearly. Both of us held back - A LOT. We weren't honest with each other, and I think we both feared judgement from the other. But that honesty would have made us do the work needed and would have likely brought us closer together.
I am growing in so many ways, and I'm genuinely proud of that. I am grateful I won't remain stuck as the person that I was during our R. But I want to try this again. But I also don't. I'm sick at the idea of being with W, because there is so much pain there I feel nauseous. So I bury it a bit, and it's slowly bubbling to the surface.
R is not on the table. But I also in this moment KNOW that a new R with a new person would be 1000x easier than trying again with W.
I just wonder how we would be if she met me now and saw me as this new person. I take up space. I'm unapologetic for taking up space. I know what I want and I make decisions. These are all the things she wanted from me - BEGGED me to be. But in order for me to do so I needed to lose my fear that I'd make the wrong choice. When you lose what is most precious you lose your fear. Now I don't have the fear that W won't like what I do, so I can apologetically be Yail. And that is always what she wanted for me.
