Yep I might be new here but I'm still going through it for more than a year. If you like to ask me how I do it, I guess I just sum it up in 1 word which is, Acceptance.
I accept whom my wife has become, and recognize her for who she is now. I accepted the grief I have to go through and I face the pain heads on. I too, do have those nights when I woke up at wee hours like 3 or 4 am and couldn't get to sleep till the next morning and continue with what the day has in for me. My job and extended family had not been kind as well and I have a key role at both areas.
It was so bad that doctors told me to take a break and prescribed me meds to remain functional. But I just appreciate the rest that was given to me away from work and put the meds aside because, I want to face this heads on. I do not wish to depend on any substance as they are just relieving the feelings temporary which is not what I am looking for. I thought by pushing through the pain, I will be used to it and if I want to emerge a stronger and better person for a much more wonderful future, I have to live through this.
And I look back and think about this period since BD. On those days that even though I felt crappy, it din't help my marriage. During better days, sure it might not have helped my marriage as well but I radiates much positivism. I am feels lighter and happier as well. I enjoy more with my children (mind you they can feel if you are genuinely happy or not) and performs much better.
For some people who gone through such turmoil in their marriage, physical separation is one of those point in time that is very painful for them. For me, when my wife mentioned that she is moving out, I felt a sense of relief. I am also glad about it and happy for her. Relief because I would not need to face potential outburst from her sudden emotional berserk and giving her the space and time that she would require to sort herself out. This time is also good for me so I can experience life without her. Previously she proposed that I move out of the house but I did not and stayed put because to me, she is the one who wanted the new. The new is out there and she can go for it. I am happy with my family and why should I move? Thus in the end she made the move which came as a surprise and is fine with me.
The more I work towards focusing on myself, the more the anger, disappointment and sadness leaves me. I think this is what they meant by dropping the rope. In fact, I might have already forgiven her for all she had done even though she had not came back with an apology yet "that some books mentioned she eventually will" but I guess that does not matter anymore. When families and friends rallied and took sides (even her family and friends) with me from her outrageous antics, I just told them it's ok, just let her be. By accepting, forgiving and dropping the rope, then you will be truly relieved and detach. In fact for the same crap that I reacted badly when she threw it at me previously, nowadays I just laugh through it. (I feel especially time and time again she will try to provoke to get a reaction at me in order to justify for her actions or cause. But I refuse to fall for it.)
I like this analogy I read somewhere. One day, a teacher walks into the class and asked one of the student out. He then passed a glass of water to the student and ask him to hold it straight with his hand. Then the teacher asked the student is the glass heavy? The student replied no. The teacher ask the student to remain holding it. 10 minutes later, the student started to feel abit of strain. 20 minutes later, his hand starts to tremble and the water spills out. A short while later, the student gave up.
Moral of the story is, the glass of water is like our emotions. the longer we held on to it, the more painful it will be. By letting go, then we will be released from the pain and be in a better state which we can think and perform better.
Thus nowadays when I wake up in the middle of the night, I just tell myself to empty my thoughts and get back to sleep. It will not help anything even if I stayed awake. When I start to feel the sadness creeping up to me, I distract myself by thinking about something happy. Because I do not want my mood or performance to be affected. I focus on working on myself to have a better me for others.
You have to love yourself first. This is not a selfish analogy. This is because if you do not love yourself, how do you love others? Put forth some examples: You have to love yourself by doing things you need to do to take care of your own health like exercising and such. Otherwise someday if you fall sick, you will become the burden of your family, like it or not. You have to tell yourself to be emotionally strong so that those who depends on you can genuinely believe that they can fall back on you when they need to. Putting up a strong front is not enough because from time to time, there will be some water that spills out of the glass and onto them. We all know how it is when we are dealing with someone that we know they are holding back their emotion. It's kind of like threading on ground laid with land mines.
On the whole, I think everyone here is focusing on you, instead of your wife. On how to help Wolf out of this, with or without his wife. In the Chinese idiom, there is this saying. "Those in the situation does not see it as clear as a third party" Thus they are singling out issues which you might not have seen that would have contributed to these. Because you are in the situation, while we are out of it. And you have to try to bring yourself out of your situation to view it more holistically.
As like in my previous post, I had also mentioned. Sure, I thought I had been doing everything right? But why it came to this? It may be easy to put it on my wife's MLC, Childhood issues, being spoilt and etc. But does that absolves me of my responsibility in this marriage? The answer is no. I accept that I have a role in this as well. It would be some actions I have done or how I have treated her that leads to the breakdown of the marriage. And my mission now I feel is to ensure I do not repeat those mistakes again if we get back together, or if I am with someone else.
For now, I am looking at 2 directions. If we get back together, what kind of marriage are we going to build and what kind of future I would like to have with her? But if we do not get back together, what is the future for me or with someone else? I reiterate that I am doing this not because that I have lost my love for her. But I accept reality as it is and what present situation and potential future may be. Past memories are to be appreciated and thankful of. Then we should leave them as it is. Even if I get back with my wife, I want a different marriage with her and doing things differently. Or would you rather go back to how things were?
When a walk away or MLC spouse is in this situation,the wake up call for them may not from us the left behind spouse. It may be from other incidents in life, or divorce when they finally free themselves of the feelings they have of you and drop the history to see you neutrally again, or after they met someone else and then realize how wonderful you had been. But for the later statements, we are not the one that can doing anything about it because the more we behave in ways they expect us to be in the situation, the more it proves to them they are right in their campaign. Thus though sometimes what some of us suggested you may think is counter-productive for your marriage, it may actually works. But one thing for sure is, even if it does not work for your marriage, it would be beneficial for you as an individual as it redeems your pride/confidence/respect from someone that thrashes on it.
My 2 cents
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
