Thank you Hope for your words of support, kindness and advice. I appreciate it.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
He is not in control of what you do. YOU are. Don't give him power over your responses to his behavior.
Thank you for this reminder. I am letting his actions have power over me. It’s that fear that DnJ speaks of. I feel like satan is working overtime to get to me. I don’t want him or H to have that power.
After my vacation, I was catching up on my devotions last night. I get daily devotions e-mailed to me. The one I clicked on last night was titled “Replace your Fear with Trust”. This is the devotional:
“And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us” (2 Corinthians 1:10 NLT). God is watching over you, so don’t listen to your fears. This is a choice. Trust God, and don’t give in to your fears. God’s promise to believers is that, no matter what happens to us, he is working for our good—if we love him and follow him (Romans 8:28). If you're a believer, the Bible says all things are working together for good—not that all things are good but they are working together for good. That means we can stop listening to our fears, because there is no difficulty, dilemma, defeat, or disaster in the life of a believer that God can’t ultimately get some good out of. There is no need to fear the future. Your fears reveal where you do not trust God. Today, make a list of your fears, and ask God to help you identify why you have fear in those areas. Then, ask him to help you replace your fears with trust. Now, this is important: Expect God to start helping you learn to trust him with each fear. Then, watch to see how he helps you.
************************
I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that I was behind on my emails and read this message from June 26 last night. God of course was trying to get my attention.
I cried last night. Hard. I just felt tired. I’m tired of being strong. For myself. For my kids. I’m in the middle of the marathon, and I’m feeling it. Isn’t that when marathoner’s feel like quitting? About in the middle? Having never ran one, I don’t know. But, I’ve run a few 5ks, and I had to dig deep to break the psychological barrier to completing the race. I always did.
Even after sleeping on it I’m leaning towards opening a R conversation with H, and let the chips fall where they may. I’m praying for guidance, so we will see.
However, this morning I did send an e-mail to H’s birth mother. The new Me is learning to express feelings and get things out in the open when the event happens, rather than festering, causing resentment. I did that with my friend on my trip, too. The old me would brush things under the rug and smooth things over. It was very bad for my marriage.
I expressed how I felt betrayed by her for her accepting Hs girlfriend in her home. She is very religious, and I just told her I was surprised because this would go against her Christian beliefs. There was a lot more, and I was very kind and told her I was in no way trying to influence the events, but felt it important to tell her how I feel. I’m glad I did. We’ll see if she responds, but I am good either way.
Something else that I’ve been wondering about. Why keep OW such a secret? He still has “married to me” on his FB page, with pictures of us still on. Makes me wonder if she pushed for something more open (i.e. meet the kids, etc), then would H balk? I’m thinking her asking to go to see his mom is her inserting herself more into his life. I wonder if he sees that? Well, I guess this is part of the “time will give answers”.
But, do I want to wait to be chosen as 2nd best option? Would it be at this point if he said he wanted to try to R?
Too many questions.
I’m getting impatient for answers.
Maye I’ll never get them.
I want to get to the point where I’m o.k. with that.
