Yeah I guess I am not thinking in regards to a relationship per say. I don't know how to explain that without seeming shallow or that I rely on others to feel better about myself because I think that overall my self esteem is pretty good. I know that I am attractive and have a lot to offer so I don't think low self esteem has been why I've dealt with what I have, I think it is my tendency to fix things and look out to others to my detriment. I guess in a way I become a martyr but then I don't have the resentment that usually goes along with that so it's probably even worse!
I think no matter the reason an affair, even though we rationally know it's not about us and we are reasonably attractive, can be a blow to the ego. I have wondered if dating in a casual manner might provide a bit of distraction and boost in confidence that would serve me well. I also think it is good to know that our H may not be the only "star in the sky" despite how much we love them and want to work things out.
When my husband and I discussed this open ended period of separation that we are currently in, I told him that if he was going to continue to date that I would reserve the right to do the same if I so desired to. He said that was fair but he would never like it or want to think of me with anyone else but that after what he has put me through he would understand if I wanted to do that. Strangely enough, recently I have had a couple guys I knew from the last two neighborhoods I lived in NC have hit on me via FB messenger and I've made sure to be friendly but steer it away from anything more. I'm not interested in someone looking to be a rebound but I think the attention is flattering and it does make me feel good which is not a bad thing. I think for now it is nice to go out with friends and get some attention from the opposite sex and chat a little but I don't think I'm ready for more than that.
In the past I had a lot of male friends and when my husband and I got together, even though he was not jealous, I just didn't have time to maintain some of those friendships. I was getting plenty of time with the opposite sex (my husband wasn't jealous but you know how more casual friends fall by the wayside when you get serious with someone and you tend to hang onto your deeper friendships instead?) I have always been both physically and emotionally faithful to my husband throughout dating and marriage. I know some of those guys were interested in more than friendship but I was able to keep it in a comfortable place with good boundaries.
I guess all in all I have mixed feelings about it. I don't think working on myself is wasting time but I also feel that it may be foolish, even while leaving the door open for my MLC to work through this and come out on the other side, to shut my eyes or put on blinders to everything else around me. I hope that he decides he wants this relationship with me when he is in a better place but if he doesn't ever get there, than I don't know if it would be good for me to try to be satisfied with the little bit he can give in return when I used to have the whole enchilada!
