DnJ, Deja, and Gerda. Thank you for your input, support, advice. So much appreciated.
DnJ - I still find myself trying not to care, and I'm struggling hard today.
DeJa - just when I think I've accepted my sitch and am o.k. with it, I find I'm not.
Gerda - 2 Corinthians 12:9 is spot on. I'm putting it in my journal to remind myself it's in these times, we can find ourselves closer to God.
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Journaling. I need some support and sage advice. I didn't edit a lot, so excuse my stream of consciousness.
Back from a wonderful vacation. Connected with family, and friends. Back to reality tomorrow. Recently I ended a post with a question: “I wonder what tomorrow will bring?”
That post was so full of peace. Contentment. What happened to that person?
She is struggling today.
H was on my mind a lot during the trip. I posted about it. Wondering if I’m done is weighing heavily on my mind. I thought a lot about asking H to meet to discuss whether it’s time to have a more formal separation. He’s got a girlfriend and his own place. I don’t go over there. It’s starting to bug me he can come and go as he pleases here. He’s starting to detach from taking care of the yard. I’ve been doing some of it. I don’t think he believes I do a good job. He wondered if he should look into a lawn service.
H is adopted, and I’m close with his birth mother. She lives out of the country. I’m close to her, and phone her regularly. I don’t pump her for info about H, but I found out today (from her) that he is visiting and bringing OW. I guessed and she confirmed. Apparently OW asked to go, and H wanted his birth mother’s blessing he could bring her. She could hear I was upset. She of course wants to stay out of it. But, this woman hasn’t seen her grand kids in several years. She’s 83 years old. You would think he would bring the kids. I find myself really quite upset about this!
I hate that I’m very upset about this.
She also said he was moving to a new apartment. Getting a place with OW? I don’t know. But, seems to me if he does, he’s made his decision.
I have thoughts of wanting to embarrass him, hurt him (badly), of telling the kids, and giving him a piece of my mind. Ugly thoughts. I don’t like it.
Why can’t he just make a decision? I don’t want to. Do I have to?
I think that pursuing a D, or pressuring H to make a decision, won’t really change my path, and may even complicate it. I don’t want to avoid addressing our situation and perhaps pursue a more formal S or even D for the wrong reasons either – fear of dealing with the difficult; being the one to end the marriage in my kids eyes. I don’t want them to blame ME.
I was so confident of my stand 2 weeks ago. What the heck changed? Maybe because I stopped my running dialogue with God over the vacation. I really fell off the wagon in that department.
D19 had a major melt down on the phone last night with me. She was home along during my vacation. She is really struggling. With work and other things. She struggles with making friends too. She’s a bit shy, so it was very quiet around here I’m sure. I was really worried she was having a nervous breakdown. When I saw her today she seemed much better. She sure is happy I’m home. I don’t want her to use me to fill her life, though. That worries me a bit. But, I certainly am here for her. I also suggested she see her therapist regularly when she gets back to school. She agreed. I messaged H briefly about it. His response? “She seemed fine when I saw her today.” He added that he agreed maybe she needs therapy. That was it.
I’m so mad at him right now. I just want to scream at him “what the he** are you doing? Snap out of it!!
Of course even if I ask him to meet to talk, I won’t do that. I am committed to reflect compassion, peace, and contentment. The love of Christ. Let my inner joy shine.
