"Hello. I can't say I'm too happy to be here, but I am. Here is my story...
We have been married about 20 years, have 4 children. Around the holidays I noticed my husband acting angry towards me whenever I said anything he didn't like. At that time he was talking more and more to another married woman that he met on an online game. Little clues and my gut were telling me that they were not just friends. D-Day was in January 2019 when I happened to find out that he had told the OW that he loved her. I asked my husband if it was true, but he said no. I knew that was a lie! Later that evening I asked more questions and he confessed to saying that he loved her and he was sorry. I think I forgave him too soon. I asked more questions and he answered honestly. A few days later I asked some more questions and got more honest answers.
Fast forward to this week (March 2019) I know the EA is still ongoing. I told H that I am aware of then ongoing affair. He said nothing, other than they talk about everyday things and life. He did say that they still say I love you to each other. So basically, nothing has changed, except he is more secretive with what he does.
I have been spewed the common ILYBNILWY crap and other stuff that justifies his affair."
I have since then set up boundaries: 1. I will not share my H with another woman 2. I will not be in open relationship 3. I will not accept H texting/chatting with the OW while in my/the kids presence
Unfortunately this has not stopped the EA. He is more secretive and is at home less. Runs many errands which I believe gives him access to call her.
We just returned from our family vacation. The kids and I had a blast, he not so much. H spent most of the day back in the hotel room alone or out running errands. Oh well.
At one point I did get upset/sad knowing that he would rather share the vacation with her instead of his family. He took plenty of smiling selfies to send the OW.
I do need advice on how to proceed on what I believe will happen next.
Awhile go I did gather Intel and learned that the OW and her family are coming to vacation in our town, thus planning on meeting my H. I am prepared to tell him to leave the home if he follows through with meeting her in person. This is where I need help with a script that will help me protect myself and make me not seem like a B**t**.
I huge part of me wants to warn her husband of what's going on, but I don't know if that's what I should do.
Ok so correct me if I’m wrong because I haven’t read your entire sitch, your H is having an affair? You’re not ok living in an open marriage so you are looking to set a boundary? When setting a boundary you are protecting yourself and if broken there must be consequences. Legally you can not tell him to leave the home. If he says no I’m not leaving then what’s the plan? Unless you’re ready to D him if the affair continues I’m not really sure what you can do.
HB - I feel you. However, most of your boundaries are unenforceable. They won't stop him from doing what he wants. I think you should revisit the boundaries thread and re-read it. Boundaries are for you, not a tool of control to what you want the other person to do. It's your own protective circle of what you allow in or not.
It's good to gather intel, but snooping for long will be detrimental to your health. You already have enough facts about what he is doing. Now you're just asking for more pain.
I wouldn't send anything to her husband. In the best case scenario if she breaks it off with him, you're still left with a H who has unresolved issues that need to be addressed. OW# 2 won't be long behind.
Go re-read Sandi's rules again. This is time for YOU and what you need to do for yourself. I wish that all the LBS could just let go right away and work on themselves, they would save themselves so much heartache and pain. Being 2 years out, that is the best advice I can give. I wish I had stopped focusing on the other person so much and just focused on myself.
Take a moment and just breathe! I know it's painful and the world is spinning, but you need to just sit still for a bit with yourself.
They arrive at the end of July through first week in August.
I will try to write what I want to say once I figure it out.
I'll continue to read the quotes. Not sure how far I got last time.
Originally Posted by LH19
HB,
Ok so correct me if I’m wrong because I haven’t read your entire sitch, your H is having an affair? You’re not ok living in an open marriage so you are looking to set a boundary? When setting a boundary you are protecting yourself and if broken there must be consequences. Legally you can not tell him to leave the home. If he says no I’m not leaving then what’s the plan? Unless you’re ready to D him if the affair continues I’m not really sure what you can do.
He is having an EA with another married woman who lives out of state. They chat/text/call/video chat daily. They do this while each other is at work or when the spouses are not home. I don't think her husband has questioned her friendship with my husband.
I guess I do need more research about boundaries. I thought I had some, but yeah, they aren't doing anything for me. Of course this is H mess to deal with and clean up once the affair gets discovered by her H or any friends/family.
HB - I feel you. However, most of your boundaries are unenforceable. They won't stop him from doing what he wants. I think you should revisit the boundaries thread and re-read it. Boundaries are for you, not a tool of control to what you want the other person to do. It's your own protective circle of what you allow in or not.
It's good to gather intel, but snooping for long will be detrimental to your health. You already have enough facts about what he is doing. Now you're just asking for more pain.
I wouldn't send anything to her husband. In the best case scenario if she breaks it off with him, you're still left with a H who has unresolved issues that need to be addressed. OW# 2 won't be long behind.
Go re-read Sandi's rules again. This is time for YOU and what you need to do for yourself. I wish that all the LBS could just let go right away and work on themselves, they would save themselves so much heartache and pain. Being 2 years out, that is the best advice I can give. I wish I had stopped focusing on the other person so much and just focused on myself.
Take a moment and just breathe! I know it's painful and the world is spinning, but you need to just sit still for a bit with yourself.
Thank you for your encouragement. I'm sorry you too have to deal with a similar situation. 2 years...wow. Can I ask what boundaries do you have in place? I guess I need more research on this topic.
I gathered that Intel awhile back, and have not looked for more, because it does make me angry.
