Midlife wife crisis8

[ToSmile]

Question for everyone. While we are away for the week how do I handle down time? I want to be with my kids but I don’t want her to think I want to be with her. 2 if I keep too much distance then I feel like she will day I don’t want to be with my kids. With her she always twists things and finds the negative. Thanks!!

H:"I am going to go get ice cream. Anyone want to join me?"
Kids:"YES!!!"
H:"I am leaving in 5 minutes"


Wife can decided to join you or stay back. Either way you are fine with her decision. Same with kids. be fine if they say yes or no.



Ice cream, the pool, the mall, the park, the beach, the movies, mini golf, whatever

I second R2C for this. do not include her to be a part of your plan. No expectation, no let down. For me, I told my wife that I am intending to bring my kids for a overseas holiday. If she likes to, she can join us. if not, we will still go ahead. Don't feel bad for the kids thinking that you'll are unable to go as a family. Step up in your role. Make the session with your kids so enjoyable for them that they think that hanging out with you alone is so much fun (But not at the deliberations of doing it to let your kids choose spending time with you over the mother).

I understand where you are coming from. We all have that glimmering sense of hope in us that things is starting to improve and lure us into situations which we would slap ourselves across our own faces later. Yes it takes different duration for different people to get over it but I believe what everyone is trying to share here are the most effective or tested methods to get you out of this stitch, and get back being better together with your wife or by yourself. Thus as someone had mentioned before but I like to reiterate is, DB gives you 2 outcomes. Reconcile or Divorce. But either way, DB helps you to come out better of either situation. DB is for you, not anyone else.

I am going to ask you a question Wolf. Take time and answer this question to yourself. Find a quiet place or have a drink and think about it.

Who are you Wolf? Who were you before your wife came into your life? Before you had your family? What did you enjoy doing? What were your hobbies that you had given up these years? What was it that you liked to do and had shelved away for your family?

From your reply, I felt that your "DB" is more on exterior and aesthetic. Something that you are doing to show your wife and that you are GAL and etc. I mean yes that is part of DB I supposed but, whats more important is, feeling happy from within. Happy that you are doing these things for yourself, not with an underlying intent at the back of your mind of subconsciously thinking that this will lead your wife back to you. Why not switching your thoughts to that you are DB-ing to become a great Dad to your kids and a much attractive person for your potential future partner?

Look. The problem with us guys is, when we got married, we know about the commitment, responsibilities and etc and we give up living for ourselves. Subconsciously and unknowingly. We always prioritize family over ourselves. So much so that we are just living for the family. Everything family first and blah blah blah. Pumping all resources we have into the family, taking an extra job to give the family a much more comfortable life providing a lifestyle they want, handling all the household chores and other stuffs yet what could have gone wrong?

Everything has gone wrong I feel. We have stop living for ourselves. Are you still the Wolfman you were before you met your wife and started your family? Overtime, your actions towards your family or some other things you might have done under your previous role had also contributed to this current marriage issue. Perhaps you were being too protective? Perhaps you had been taking care of all things that prevented your wife from growing up? Perhaps something triggered her childhood issues? Or it's a myrid of factors? I don't know. It could be anyone of the above or all.

You were you before you had this family. You had happy times too before you met your wife. But I guess the problem now is, you are making your wife and family your life which is not very healthy. You have to find back who you are. I mean look, putting yourself in your wife's shoes now. If you are her and looking at you now, and able to read your mind, do you think you will find yourself attractive?

I hope you don't mind me saying this but I feel that if she happens to chance upon this thread and your input in this forum, I don't think that she will be touched about how you are feeling all these for her and what you are doing for her. I think she will feel scared and put off, very much in fact. The reason which she is still behaving this way if she has not come out is also because, she is still not at ease with you and in fact, she may be feeling threatened, and also thinking you do have ulterior motives even though, you might not have been doing anything to her. And this ties back to the fact that her perception for now is that marriage is all bad, and you have to accept and respect that. Like how you felt your marriage was all wonderful. Unless she sees it that way as well, she would not agree with anything you do that justify your cause.

Thus fore, the actions the vets are telling you to do here is, how to take this feeling off away from her through tried and proven methods. And I can tell you in short is, leave her alone. And validating in the right way also helps to take the edge off her. This is really the first step towards anything. Likewise for example, a woman is madly in love with you now. But you hates her. Everything she does just turns you off. What's the first thing to happen to let her even have a chance with you? That is, to stop turning you off and taking the anger or hatred away from you first. Before you even see her in a neutral light for any future potentials.

Yes, we have a long history with our spouses. We may like to think that we have happy times together. But I can tell you this history is working against us now. Because what's in their mind are not the happy times for now, but all those unpleasant moments which you are also surprised that they remembered all those arguments so well.

I would love to share about what I went through too wolf, but repeating those tires me. And negativity breeds negativity. I can go on picking out every of the nonsense she did but if I do that, I am not being kind to myself. It will pull me back from my progress. I would rather share the positivism and some methods that may help you to feel better. Sure there are also moment and days which I felt low as well but I keep looking forward to anything positive and keep me going. It can be a catch up with my pals, a playground trip with the kids, or a jog or simply time for myself after work simply reading or get onto some games. These were things which I gave up for family back then as well. In a nut shell, I keep finding things to keep myself occupied, keeps myself busy and happy. If I run out of ideas, I try new things.

Just to share, I actually do not think that this episode happening in my marriage is a bad thing. Because it highlighted the problems in the relationship with my wife and also surfaced the personal issues that she buried in herself. If she managed to get through all these, great she will be a better person. And for me myself, I reflected deeply on whom I was. What I wanted in life instead of thinking I am fulfilling my role as a wonderful husband by fulfilling anniversaries celebrations and gifts, making enough for the family to get by, non-negotiable if anything involves my family that I thought might be detrimental... etc.

I was not perfect too despite of me then thinking that I had fulfilled the role of a husband to the best that I could. If I could have turned back time, I would have done a lot of things very differently but if I keep thinking like this, I will be stuck in this state of being emotional and allow my emotion to dictate my every move which, I can tell you is not very attractive. This is what our spouses are doing now. Fuel by emotion and living according to it.

Thus, I apply the logic on myself. Using this period to revisit what I missed out on, improve myself and becoming a better person for myself. For any positive outcome to happen be it if we reconcile with our spouses or move on by ourselves, we need to step out from here. Whats the worse that could happen? Divorce? We would not lose a limp or what if we are divorced. We will still be the Dad of the kids after we are divorced. What's worst that can happen is already on the table. Is either we accept or still deny it. Thus what we can do is, using our logic, to make the best of what future we can build for ourselves.

I would say that you had lost yourself in your marriage. Likewise me too. Thus, I am also finding myself back too. It takes time but slowly and surely, we inch forward. Find your life back and don't live for your family. It is certainly not healthy and I would say like a form of obsession. Even in the better times, I don't think your family would want you to live for them solely. They want you to be happy. Likewise I do not think you would want your wife to be living for you but to be happy with her life because you are in her life.

Cheers.