IronWill - that's a really useful way to reframe it. I don't have close ties with my family, but I do have some really good friends I can confide in and be truthful to - both about the way H has treated me, and my own shortcomings. I consider it so valuable to have people that I can be honest with about my own imperfections - to be vulnerable about my flaws - and feel support but not judgement or enabling. H isn't really close to his family - in that while I am speculating he's told them some unpleasant things about me (given their radio silence) I doubt he's confiding in them regularly or talking to them about his own feelings and thoughts. I could be wrong - but if he's the man I lived with - then there's nobody in his life who he had that type of relationship with.
In any case, he's really not done anything wrong at all. He's allowed to speak to anyone about his experience of being married to me and process it in whatever way he wishes. That might involve a lot of blame and ranting - I wouldn't be surprised - and painting himself as the victim. It might not. The fact is, I don't know. I'd actually be overcome with hope if I felt like he'd been capable of introducing some honest self-reflection in at least one of his relationships, to be honest - though I don't have any reason to presume that is the case.
The fact is also that while I'd hoped for an expression of care and support from them, that didn't happen and I am sad about it. It isn't wrong that I'm sad. Disappointed, I suppose - that fifteen years of knowing me and counting me (I thought) as part of their family didn't really count for much when it came down to it. I feel like the warmth I had from them in times past was fake and conditional, and anything that comes from them towards me in the future isn't anything I can trust or enjoy. I don't trust people very easily. I don't let people get close to me very easily at all. I'd hoped they counted me as family too and I see that while they might have acted that way in the past, it wasn't real. I might feel differently as time passes. But I have my own friends and connections and my life isn't devoid of people who know the best and worst of me and value my presence in their lives and that's what I am trying to hold on to today.
I guess I feel a bit judged. And again - I've no idea what - if anything - he's said to them. But their silence feels to me like a real judgement - a 'choosing of a side' and that feels unjust. I remember the first few weeks we were separated and I was crying myself to sleep every night, waking up and dragging myself in to work and through the things the kids needed, crying on and off all day, and barely functioning. I lost a lot of weight. I was really really struggling. If one of my PIL had sent me a text letting me know they were thinking of me, I think it would have made a tiny bit of difference to me. The fact that they didn't really hurts. And yes, I feel judged. If they knew the half of what he's said and done to me and the way he's treated Eldest I hope they'd understand why I didn't want to live with him anymore. I know airing the dirty laundry is the worst possible idea - no matter what outcome I want - and my role here is to act with a bit of dignity. But I do feel unfairly judged and that's hard today too.
I suppose I just have to accept the situation, and my own feelings about it, and do the healthy and kind thing with the situation as it presents. I will wish my kids well and encourage them to have a good day with their family. I will tell H to take all the time he needs and not to hurry them back on my account. I'll make sure I spend some time with people who love me while they're away.
