So so new to this :(

[Nyla79]

DnJ, I love that you have so many things to say. And what you said about our house, my home. This is exactly what I have tried to start thinking. Instead of talking about our bedroom, it is now my bedroom etc. Not feeding the anger at times is hard, I catch myself doing it. Now I practice thinking about a big red STOP sign when my I realize I’m thinking about unnecessary things.


I will work on my headings this week and share them with you guys. I also need to read DR again, last time I read it so fast, I feel like nothing really stuck.

Peacetoday, I’m afraid you’re right about MLC’ers not wanting to look inside, I definitely worry that my husbands ego will not allow it. He has never been good in admitting fault in his actions.


Gerda <3 I guess I’m a bit impatient when it comes to all this. I would want to be healed and whole now, not one day in the future. I have never dealt with a trauma before. I was 16 when my parents got divorced and I don’t feel that was so traumatic, their marriage was horrible years before that. So other than that, my life has been very easy. Which I’m so grateful for. All my grandparents are still with us.

I sometimes think if my life has been too happy, and that’s why I was dealt with such horrible cards now, to balance it out. I think I have suppressed my grieving a bit. Now I try to let it through a little bit at a time, I let it out, and then put it away so I can function.

I have thought about going back to church. We did go to church before, but had bad experiences from it and I know it shouldn’t but it kind of caused me to turn away from God. And now I feel that it would be hypocritical to try to find Him again, just because I need Him. I don’t even know if that makes sense.

Past few days it’s been ok, a content period I would say. I take care of the kids and the house and myself. And there’s plenty of work in that. I do sometimes get annoyed at my husband for leaving. Thinking what an easy life he must have with the OW. They just work and then shop groceries for two, clean for themselves and do laundry for themselves, all in a small apartment, whereas I’m here taking care of this big house, and a pool that got algae in it now after my trip, not to even mention the amount of laundry and cleaning I do after the kids…
Oh well, this is my life now, and if I had to choose, I would choose life with these little rascals anytime, over anything else.

My husband has been in touch with me everyday since I came back from my hometown. Most of it just unnecessary, it’s been very weird. On Sunday we had an exchange when he asked if he could spend the day with the kids. At that point we already had plans in action, so I told him not today. He was fine about it. Then he asked me if I wanted him to bring me an AC unit? (It’s so hot and our house doesn’t have AC) I thanked him and he promised to bring it later.

D12 was with her friends so I thought to ask H if he could pick her up on his way to my house, she needed to be picked up at 6.30 pm.

Our texts:

Me: We’re home now, I called to see if you could please pick D12 up from the beach at 18.30 and bring her home?

H: I don’t think I can make that

H: Is that ok

H: Or do you need me to get her?

Me: No it’s ok

H: Do you need me to get her

Me. No it’s ok, I’ll go &#128522;

H: I would have to run as I’m about 20 minutes from home.

H: So you get her then?

Me: Yes I will, please send me a message before you bring S10s stuff

H: Yes of course I will, say in one hour

H: I’ll bring the AC too?

Me: Yes please

Why did he keep on asking if I needed him to get her when I already said I could do it. I felt he was worried i was going to be upset if he didn't get her. I don't know.

Then when he came, he lingered a bit, tried to make eye contact the whole time, and was very much like his old self. He gave me cash that we had agreed that he still needed to give for this month.
After he left he continued texting.


H: Sorry about the cash, but I couldn’t transfer from my account as it was too close to zero

Me. Don’t worry about it. Are you going to be ok?

H: I’ll sort myself out, don’t worry.

H: Did you get the AC going?

Me: Yes! We all stood in front of it for the longest time

H: Don’t worry about the water that comes out just put a towel down.

Then I stopped replying.

So this was one of the longest text conversations we’ve had since the BD and all this he already told me when he was here, so it felt like he was just trying to force conversation. I know better than try to make anything out of this, but it is soooooo hard not to get my hopes up.

I mean what is wrong with me, on one hand I feel detached and at times even happy in my own life and then all the sudden I’m in the whirlwind again, I see his eyes looking at me and I’m done... I still love him so much. Sighs…

Please someone talk some sense into me, like you guys always do <3 <3 <3