How To Treat Spouse With Children 2

[sandi2]

Sorry for so many posts at once. Just trying to catch up a little.

I get your point, but will there ever be a time that I just decide to walk away and really be done with it?

I feel like I have all these things I want to say to her but can’t because she’s not willing to listen to them.

You and your W are in separate time frames. By the time she decides she wants to work on a relationship with you, it may be too late and you've move on with your life and have no desire to risk another possible heartache from her. We see it quite often.

All these things you want to say to her is your urgency to pursue. I get it. What you haven't quite accepted yet, is that DBing a WW goes against what your emotions are dictating. One reason I think more marriages are not saved is b/c the LBH takes too long before he finally drops the rope, and has nothing left to give when she wants to try again.

When have I given her too much breathing room?

You can't give her too much breathing room. This woman doesn't want you. She is not the girl you married. You are pressuring someone who has no desire/loving feelings for you. You are either afraid to give her plenty of space and time without you..........or else you are a controller. Look, maybe before you married her you chased her and she liked it. That's how the game is played before marriage. However, the reason it worked is b/c she wanted it. If she was repelled by you........there would have been a different ending. Do you get what I'm saying? What works in a WW sitch is for the LBH to dump her...........at least, it appears that he is through and moving on with his life. (I hope you won't ask me what that looks like, b/c then I'll think you've never broken up with a girl you didn't want anymore.) The LBH fears that the picture he gives of "dumping her" will give her what she wants or somehow discourages the chance of reconciling. That's the crazy part that a lot of guys don't get. Once the H emotionally lets go, she senses it and it draws her toward him.

She'll know when you stop all the pressuring techniques you've been using. She'll know when you aren't obviously interested in every move she makes or every word she utters. Don't wait around, expecting some detached feelings to suddenly show up. Act as if you are already detached. Do the action and let the feeling catch up.

I agree with you and boundaries need to happen. I just don’t know that it’s my place yet because she’s not willing to listen to me.

Wait.........it has nothing to do with you talking and her listening. This is not a relationship discussion. As for it being your place.....You can only make protective boundaries around yourself. It's like an invisible shield around you. You decide what type of bad treatment you won't tolerate from other people. If someone does not respect you, then you have to make a move. You may decide to hang up, or walk away.......but you are always the one who does the responding action when another person disrespects you. It's up to you to protect your feelings. And, I can tell you the only way to enforce a boundary is if your responding action is a consequence to the offender. Otherwise, they don't learn to take you seriously, and they continue repeating the disrespect. But you decide what you'll do. You don't have a discussion. You don't navigate. I'd advise you not to say or do anything, until you have read the homework on personal boundary setting.... and how to enforce those boundaries if dishonored. Think of property boundaries. They are there for a reason, and should someone disregard our property lines, then we take some type of action to protect what is valuable to us.

We are going to spend 1 session in MC this week talking about Coparenting and then go right back to our marriage, so I hope that the stuff with her parents comes out then. Her parents are there ALL the time.

Your W is not in one accord with you. She blames you for her unhappiness. Even if she didn't want her folks at the house, her stubborn pride with not cooperate with you wanting to approach the in-laws about leaving. This is simply another example of why MC isn't usually successful with reconciliation in WW cases. Now, should she decide to start doing the right thing, feel remorse for her behavior and want to save the M......then MC can help. Right now, she's not in the right frame of mind.

I am going to tell her that I would be willing to talk to her parents, it’s something I should’ve done a long time ago. I just didn’t think it would get to this point. No, she lives at our home with her parents and I moved out.

Yikes! That's a really bad situation. Everyone lives in your house, but you. I suggest you wait until you consult with a lawyer as to where you stand legally on this one. I mean, once you leave and she claims it was voluntary........IDK. So, check with the lawyer ASAP.

So is it common for WAW to not want to work on the marriage?

I think it's more common for the WW to not want to work on the marriage. She didn't become wayward overnight. It took her a while. The good news is that it can turn around. In order for it to turn around, she has to show respect for you. She can behave respectfully, even if she doesn't feel it. That's why I want you to get the right information and stop applying ineffective methods. You need the right tools in order to get the right results.