SoTorn, I'm so sorry for the struggle you have right now. You have a lot of changes in front of you with living alone and learning your new normal. My sitch has had me living alone for quite a while and for me that has helped with my processing of this whole thing. Trusting yourself in this is a gift - I'm glad to hear you feel trust in yourself. I feel the same.
I hope you are able to find the fun and joy within your new normal. I'd be interested to hear that process.
I also agree that we were given this path for a reason, and for that reason I do not resent it. I do not resent W for her choices. I'm sad, and occasionally a little angry or frustrated, but not resentful. Since I find this is the path I have now, I DO intend to make the best of it! My life is too valuable to waste a second.
FS, you out there? You good? Your last thread locked and haven't seen you post in a while, so calling out to you here on my own in case you're lurking.
Yail... I was wondering about FS too as haven’t seen a new thread from her. Hope all is okay.
So how are you?!? Are you still in Italy? Inquiring minds want to know. Just read through the last few posts on your thread. Don’t know how I missed them. Sounds like move-out day was tough...for both of you. Like FS said...don’t be fooled by her presentation. She couldn’t look at your for a reason.
Also...glad to hear you have a crush to distract you. Distractions for difficult feelings isn’t a bad thing. Time heals. Distractions buy us some time at the very least.
When you can...give us an update. Would love to hear about your time in Italy. My BIL just got back from a month in Croatia. Sounds amazing. I’m hoping to go there next September with them and another couple I know. Hoping I won’t be a fifth wheel and will have a sixth person to make the trip with me but I know I will be okay even if I am.
Italy was beyond amazing. I worked on a farm with this fantastic family. I LOVED it. I went with the intent of trying to figure out if I would be happy with animals and a small farm. Short answer is YES. I love the work involved. I love the routine that is required when you work with animals - because they rely on you.
I'm figuring out what a 2 or 3 year plan might be for me to have a few small animals on my own little property. Not a farm per se, but I'd like a few goats (dairy/meat) and sheep (fiber) and some chickens and ducks (eggs/meat). Something manageable for one person. I still have a lot to learn, but I know there are resources I can dig into to keep learning.
I came home smelling like a farm and I had never been so content. I see my future a lot clearer now. Even if I don't exactly end up with animals, I see the type of life I want. I want a life where I'm putting in the hard work to create something over time. Every year it's a little bit bigger, a little bit stronger, and I rely on my own learning and commitment to create that life. It's like a picture coming into focus. THAT is keeping me going.
******
I'm in the middle of a little emotional cycle regarding W. We still don't talk. She is coming to the house for a significant amount of time this weekend to get it ready to put on the market. I don't know what projects she thinks need to be done. There hasn't been clear communication on that, and it's something we need to talk about.
I look around the house and there is so much stuff still. She asked that I identify exactly what I want to take so she knows what needs to be disposed of. I'm feeling overwhelmed, but I need to just take a deep breath and tackle one room at a time. When this whole thing started I wanted to keep everything. Now I just want a few pieces of furniture here and there. It will be expensive, but I feel the need to pick out my own new items once I settle into a new place.
I still don't know where I'll be living and it's getting to be crunch time for an October move. I have a meeting with a potential roommate this week. I'm weighing my options between a roommate and living on my own in an apartment for about a year or less. Save money vs comfort.
I desperately am ready to buy a house in MY name. But I need to wait for all legal stuff to go through before I know what kind of down payment I might have, and to be qualified as a first-time home buyer. If you remember, my name is not on this house's deed at all. So to get these benefits, I must be divorced.
But I still don't want the divorce. I don't think I do. Mostly I'm unsure how I feel. So I don't tell W these details because I don't want her to think she's proceeding with a D to benefit me. I don't want her to justify it. It will happen in its own time.
Her bday was last week so I sent her a simple text wishing her a happy birthday. That was it. No response. I think that's what sent me into an emotional cycle. I know I shouldn't have had expectations, but I guess I kind of did deep down. I assumed she'd just write back "thank you". That's it. But nothing.
Something about the lack of response made me feel like she's struggling. I know I'm mind-reading. But just as I'm starting to let go of her I'm back into thinking about her. I had been doing really well NOT thinking about her for a while now.
It's very difficult to not know how she is. I hope she is healing in whatever way she needs, and growing in other ways. But something in my gut says something is still very wrong, and I can't do anything about it.
******** I can distract myself easily most days. I still have a crush on someone, and spend way too much time thinking about how attracted to her I am. But even this ebbs and flows. I would like this woman as a friend, and I would like her as a more-than-friend, but I don't want a R with her. It's interesting, I've never been attracted to someone but so very clearly didn't want to date them. I don't want to date anyone, and that feels good.
****** Today I will go dig in the gardens. This brings me a lot of joy lately and is a new hobby for me. It fits in so wonderfully with this life I'm trying to build for myself. This new life that I want that is slowly coming into focus. I do so many of these things already, but to really focus on them makes my smile bigger and calms my soul.
*flower gardens with roses and poppies. Pollinator gardens too. *veggie gardens, herb gardens *canning and preserving the veggies from garden *weekly homemade bread *practice making cheeses (for future goats!) *continued knitting projects - I've done so many lately! *more manual labor, less toxic quick-fixes (weeding, scrubbing can all be done by hand) *less stuff, more quality items *more community learning. Jewelry making, yarn spinning, animal husbandry... *drink less, be present more (a work in progress...) *more friends at my home, less going "out" *more friends! (also working on this) *more consistent light cleaning for a home that is in order, but not pristine. *practice fixing mechanical items (lawnmower is currently in the shop....)
**** So all in all - yes, I'm still cycling in grief 9 months after W left. But it's more like little waves, not overwhelming. And I have to remember that this is how grief is supposed to work, and I'm doing well. And to focus on my values and future life is really the most helpful piece. I can focus on growing and creating my life and I'll push out all those annoying little weeds that try to sneak in.
just checking in to say I am so glad you had a good time, and that you've come back with a clearer dream for how your future will be. It sounds amazing. And perhaps in time there will be someone to share it all with - a lucky woman - but if that doesn't happen for a while, it sounds like something real and substantial and meaningful you can build and enjoy on your own.
I'm not at the stage of trying to imagine a future yet. I am still living day by day, licking my wounds and making sure I am meeting my emotional needs as best as I can, and setting good clear boundaries to protect me from going backwards. But I think that will come.
Alison, I think the day-by-day living is a critical and necessary step in the grief. It wholly (*#$%s. I did it for a long time. Looooottttsss of Netflix. I needed to escape and just make my brain stop, so I watched a lot of tv.
And then occasionally you look around and realize time has passed and you're doing pretty well. You start to slowly peek your head out further and further and start making new decisions, or taking little risks. For me when I was trying new things I started to turn a corner. Little by little I realized that every decision I made was for me and for me alone, and I could either proceed or dismiss it.
You're right that it will come to you, and it will likely come slowly but surely.
(((Yail)))... what a beautiful experience you had in Italy!!! I am so happy for you. It is the silver lining in the LBS cloud that hangs over so many of our heads. Glad to hear your cycle of grief is lessening and you can feel yourself healing. You have such amazing insights and words of wisdom for others on the board, it does not surprise me. I agree with you... the non-response to your Happy Birthday tells me all is not well in you W’s world. But...you cannot spend your time wondering about it...she needs to figure things out for herself. Love your ToDo List!!! Super inspiring...just like you. (((HUGS)))
Yail your story is inspiring. Thank you for sharing. I have a garden and a goat (a pet) couple of horses and lots of cows. The more time I spend with the cows, the less I'm inclined to want to hang out with people, so beware! lol
I wish I liked gardening more, I just hate to be hot! So I'm going to buckle down and learn to like weeding. There is something very satisfying about pulling them out by hand. Almost like in our lives where we need to overhaul our emotions, except with weeds we can see it and appreciate the pile of weeds that were choking off the good stuff.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Hey Yail - its late here and havent really had a chance to read your post properly. I just wanted to day im here and safe and generally in a good place. Not much has changed but everything has changed. Cryptic i know, but i dont have the words to explain it right now. Just know i am happy.
i caught the key words from my quick scan - amazing Italian holiday and even crushing on some lucky lady. All i can say is "look at you enjoying life" .
OH FS, I'm so glad you're well. I was genuinely worried just because...well... I don't know but I just felt like you stopping your updates was not normal for you, so I was concerned. If you choose to post I look forward to reading.
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