She is a WAW with years of resentment built up. She is a scorekeeper but rarely counts my goals, LOL. She holds grudges. I am an ahole because I have boundaries that I have always enforced - you can't insult me, disrespect me, speak to me in a condescending tone, etc. without getting push back from me. That makes me an ahole.
Her view is that she is not abrasive and insulting, she is just "honest". She just tells it like it is, doesn't "sugar coat" things. So she can say just about anything in any tone and it's just her being "blunt". If I have a problem with it, I'm too sensitive. It's all on me. She's never wrong, won't admit to being wrong or out of line, and will never apologize.
Rant off.
Saint Augustine: "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
That quote lingers in my mind a lot lately. It's one of Gottman's 4 Horsemen for a reason. Your W has chosen to keep drinking the poison.
I think you will know you have achieved detachment when you don't need the external validation from other people, when you just know to your core that you are better off. And when you can see both the positive and negative qualities of your W in a balanced way, not clouded by emotion. It's just going to take time for your emotions to balance out to achieve this.
Your WAW is on her worst behavior at the moment, and you sound very frustrated. I know this feeling, being blamed for everything, having your spouse project their own issues onto you.
I think of my W in 2 stages: Pre-BD, and post-BD. The post-BD W is an absolute monster. Nobody would tolerate this kind of behavior beyond a first date. Long-term, she will return to pre-BD W. That version will likely still have the same trust and control issues weighing her down, the issues she ignores and denies. Maybe she would find the right person, maybe not. In a miracle scenario, she will tackle her trust and control issues head-on, and we will somehow R and beginning M 2.0. I am not holding my breath.
You're going to move out, start enjoying your new life with your own private space, and I think you are going to find it will accelerate the detachment process in a positive way for you.
N.B.: I am not a vet here, I am mid-process myself, this is just me shooting theories out there.
