Thing is, none of this stuff happened during the first 13 years we were together. I am a very observant person and I know that he was dedicated to our relationship during that time because his behavior was so very different than it has been since all this started. He used to take a lot of pride in our family and relationship, working toward common goals, etc. I was welcome at all his work events and around any of his friends and we were very close to each other's families. We had a ton of common interests, etc.
At the point when all this began, my husband was trying to achieve some difficult goals he set for himself and he had several disappointments during that time with not achieving those goals. It hit him really hard despite the fact that many don't achieve those type of goals the first time around. Then his dad was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and his daughter was at a difficult age where she was pulling away from him when they had always been close. It seemed like all of that resulted in general dissatisfaction with his life and our relationship became a casualty as well. He started drinking heavily in the evenings and blocking me out so what time we were together had no quality. Despite my recollection otherwise, he said our marriage was "terrible" which seems to be classic "rewrite" because other than the times he was drinking to block out his life in general, we still had a lot of positive interaction and you could tell he was happy and relaxed in those times.
I honestly believe that my husband avoids dealing with his personal issues to the point that he uses whatever he can to avoid and block out the pain. I think his current "need for attention" from these other women, the heavy drinking, and living in the moment, etc. is a way of blocking everything out because he feels so poorly about himself. There have been a few times when he has told me he is depressed and that "Everything I feel like I have worked so hard for is slipping away." Well bingo, he is doing it to himself.
I suppose I made the mistake of trying to support him and be there and show him we could move forward from this. I believe I have showed him that as evidenced by the fact that we grew a lot closer during the year we were in counseling and were spending a lot more time together. Even this spring he said he felt like there was nothing wrong with our relationship or nothing he was missing but he still wouldn't pull it together and recommit. I know that until he looks inward and deals with his own issues and works through whatever is going on with him that I will not be able to have a relationship with him that gives me what I need. So I guess the answer is complicated, if I see evidence of positive changes which is not just the status quo, I would like to work things out. Mainly because the majority of our long relationship was very positive and happy. We made a really good team and I can still see glimpses of that throughout this mess. I know I can find someone else if I want. I'm a nice and attractive person who gives a lot to others and puts great effort into the relationships I build. I am also not afraid of being alone. Many people tell me I should just walk away but it's hard to walk away from someone you love, especially when they are going through a hard time in their life but dealing with the fall out of that has me worn out and beaten down.
