Steve85, As you know I have been reading through your situation threads, and I came across many posts about you focusing on self-differentiation. Would you mind sharing with me what you have read and done in this area throughout your journey? I really feel like I have lost my identity as an individual throughout my marriage. Once we moved in together, she became my life whenever I wasn't at work. Then once we had kids, my identity became a husband and a family man. Now after the BD, I feel like I have lost my identity. I think that understanding the work you or others here have done to work on self-differentiation would really help me.
FIrst, I would highly recommend doing some googling on "self-differentiation in marriage". There are many free resources online that discuss the concept. But in general you have the overall concept: it is remaining an individual in your relationships. As a husband. As a father. As an employee. Etc......
Losing your own identity is not a healthy way to live. And it will cause your relationships to breakdown. The people in our lives cannot withstand the pressure of having to support the identities of others. Codependency is an AWFUL burden to thrust on another human-being. Your W might be able to handle for a long time, but eventually the weight of codependency will cause her to collapse. And then she will go into survival mode. I believe that a good chunk of the sitches that occur here are due to codependency. Women naturally lose their identity. They get married and take a man's name. They have kids and become a mom. They live from the time they are married until the kids leave the house for others. One day many women wake up and have no idea who they are and that is danger time. And if their husband is codependent, and not self-differentiate, they will rebel against it. It is too much to bear at some point.
Another anti-divorce author (not MWD) told me to read a book by David Schnarch called Passionate Marriage. I couldn't find that in print, but my library had another of his books called Intimacy and Desire. I will warn you, it is NOT a Christian book. It talks frankly about sexual things. As someone that won't even watch an R rated movie, it was a tough read. But he goes into great detail about the need to be self-differentiated to be a good spouse and have a good marriage. That was the basis of my discovering the concept. It was eye-opening...and life changing. And I believe self-differentiation was a huge key to my sitch turning around.
Do some research on the topic. Put some of the concepts to work. You need to be an individual to be part of a relationship.
Wow - Steve you should really have your own separate thread here for newbies. A "required reading" as it were. I've learned so much in the short time I've been reading your posts, its remarkable.
I had no idea I was codependent until W said it in a big blowup in December. I didnt even understand what it meant or how I had gotten that way. No wonder my R crashed.
Sobering stuff.
Des - I've been working on it too since March. It's an entire upbringing and adult lifetime that needs and is changing. I am committed to doing it. I hope you have committed too.
