I have a question about Sandi's rule number 15. If your spouse is in a talkative mood, should you really not engage fully in the conversation and instead just be short but pleasant?
Quote
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
Destroyd, I am not sure where you read "not engage fully". The reason sandi's rule #15 is a good one is because it teaches you how to listen. Rule #15 is essentially another take on "listen and validate".
You see, we dudes are fixers. So when W comes to us and starts telling us of a harrowing encounter on the freeway "Guy sped up behind me! Was right on my bumper. I couldn't get over, but was already going 5 over the speed limit. Finally got past traffic and got over, he flipped me the bird as he went by and then cut me off!" We dudes go into action mode "You should have got his license plate number! Called the police! Done this or that." She doesn't want you to fix it.....she wants you to understand how she feels. As fixers we are terrible at empathy. Empathy is the opposite of fixing. Fixing says "I don't care how it made you feel, you could have corrected it by doing A, B and/or C!" She doesn't want that, she wants empathy, understanding, and an ear.
So when she is in a talkative mood, go full bore on Sandi rule #15! Listen. Validate. Engage but shutup and listen! This rule worked wonders in my sitch. My W thought I had been possessed by another being! And she did ask me "what's wrong?" a lot as she was trying to sort out what was different. A huge smile, and "nothing" worked wonders.
So shut-up. Listen. Validate occasionally. Don't buck it because it feels counter-intuitive....that is DBing!
Okay, thank you for the explanation. That makes complete sense now.
