AS and Sandi are absolutely amazing and I am honored to get their advice! I am trying to listen and do everything they say. Blu, I am SO GLAD you said what you did. I needed to hear that!
We have always had a wonderful marriage, but it started breaking down with our jobs. She has depression and anxiety. She had told me her feelings, nagged and all of that, which is why I think she’s a WAW. I also think she would never cheat on me. But there has been a lot of smoke, too.
I will be honest, I have always had confidence. Maybe too much! This situation has really hurt my confidence, which is why I’ve been working hard on myself to be the best person, husband and father I can be. That has brought my confidence back in every area except one, dealing with her. Nothing I say or do is right no matter what I do, so I am at a loss on that situation. I realized this weekend that I just need to take a step back and drop the rope, as Sandi said to do and not even care anymore. She will notice that, too.
I don’t need her in my life to be happy or successful. I was happy and successful before I met her and gave her the success and happiness with her career and everything else she now enjoys, too. I am working so hard on my marriage because my life is just better with her and my family in it.
Please stop by and give your opinion anytime. I always enjoy reading and following the advice of all you guys on here.
Originally Posted by BluWave
Hi HH,
Thank you for inviting me to join. I've looked over your threads. I see you have AS and Sandi in your corner -- they are the most seasoned vets and give the best well thought out and thorough advice on the boards! So I am not sure what I can add! A couple of things did come to mind when I was reading, so I can add my thoughts on that. I also think I have a better understanding of WHs than I do of WWs and WAWs, because that is what I dealt with personally, and the DB techniques worked in my sitch when I finally started implementing them correctly. I find WAWs and WWs more confusing TBH.
You asked how to know if you have a WW or a WAW and I see AS answered that and Sandi gave you some links. Perhaps you can answer that better than any of us because we don't really know your W and your history? It seems that the LBHs that have a WAW can think back and see a pattern that has been ongoing. While BD felt like this sudden event or change, they know it wasn't really, they just didn't pay close attention before that. With a WAW, there has been a history of something -- for example, her saying explicitly she was unhappy, or trying to evoke change in the M with you (ie nagging but I hate that word), or maybe even there were years of withdrawal or depression going on. There can even be a pause when she gives up on this "trying" and then BD happens, so it feels like a sudden event. But when the LBH really examines the history with her, he will see it was not a sudden change and simply decided to bail, but rather she had reached the breaking point and she could no longer tolerate it. This can even include an exit affair or some other plan to leave. I have no science to back this, but I tend to think the WAW is less likely to return than the WW. As AS explained, the WW is "chasing the dragon," and it's as if she is more running towards someone else than she is running away from you. Over time, as the A burns out and limerance ends, she might be more likely to reconsider her H than if she is a WAW. Again, I am not the expert, but this is my take. And don't even ask me about MLC, because I call BS on that term in general :-)
So I can only gather you asked for my feedback because you wanted one of my rusty-nail-studded 2*4s? So I will oblige you, sir. .... I had several cringe worthy moments when I read through your threads and these were them. I apologize if I misquote you, but it takes too long to reread everything, and so hopefully you can see where I am going with this.
Here are some things that stood out to me when I read your posts: "she swooped in and took my sale" "my inlaws lived with us, even though they shouldn't have" "I tried to move back in, but she changed the locks" "she tries to say that it's not MC, even though we both know that it is" You talk about being mean and cold and then in the next breath being nice You say that you are an "alpha male" but that this sitch she created has prevented you from being yourself.... You want results (we all do, that's why we are here) You seem to think that as you make the correct changes, you will get results from her
Can you see a pattern here? What is the pattern and what could benefit from being corrected?
I am not sure if people get this about me (and they may not even care to, which is fine) but the frequent "alpha" verses "beta" male topic and debate is a moot point in my (humble and yet strong) opinion. I could write you several convincing paragraphs as to why my H is an alpha (wasn't before), and I could also do the same and write a persuasive essay as to why he is beta. And, I could do the same about myself, as I think I have characteristics of both. I will save you from that, as I imagine the readers here would find it painful, just as I will from my views on "feminism" and why that is a dying term. But you know what I will tell you, HH? Whether you are "apha" or "beta" or like me and try to be careful with gender stereotypes, there is something that universally most people find attractive. And that is confidence!
After BD, most of us struggle with confidence. BD is the ultimate rejection and confidence destroyer! There are things we can do to build our confidence and ultimately that is what is going to attract our S back to us. What do you need to work on to build confidence? Because that list I wrote above reeks of someone that has low confidence, is a perpetual victim, blames others for their problems and wants to manipulate (ie control) others to get their way. And it doesn't work. You gotta drop the rope and become the best version of yourself and it just takes time. A long, long time. I honestly think that if you can follow the rules, 180, GAL like crazy, and drop the rope, that is your only chance at saving your M. Then in time -- usually a looong time -- she may like what she sees and change her mind. She also may not. That is all you can do. .... The good news is, that if you really put in the hard work, you will be okay without her and you may not want her anymore either.
