Making the best of the mess.

[97Hope]

I think you should give yourself a break and just do what is easiest for you. Definitely leave when he comes around. You shouldn't have to do that, but if you need his help with the farm (it is a farm, yes?) then just let him do that work and leave him be.

I've been reading and re-reading this convo thread for the past few days. I took some time, went to a friends house, went to a cookout, church etc. and really thought about what I want. I want to stay here until S17 graduated. One more year. That is what I asked for initially, and that is what I'm going to insist on. I have some legal recourse if he doesn't grant that in the D (if he even files...it's been a month approx. since he last brought it up).

If you want to ask him to no longer come over than it might be easier to avoid an uncomfortable convo and send him a more formal email. It also leaves little room for negotiation and shows him you mean business. He might start to pick up on a shift in your energy, and he may even notice you pulling away, and that is fine. I think it's a misconception that when they pick up on "losing" us they will more likely give up. I tend to think the opposite, and that that is often when they start to come around again.

Actually, this thrills me. The idea of him no longer just showing up feels like freedom in a cup. I am ok if it pushes him further away. It has taken me a while to get here, but when I'm honest, I don't feel like dealing with his emotions/wants/desires. He's completely selfish and self-serving and he can feel whatever he feels...but he needs to do it elsewhere. I think it will be a relief to me. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. At any rate, I'm just feeling like him coming around is not good for me. Now, what I am thinking about is having a schedule so we can get the work done around here (we have a big ranch) but it's not just as he likes. He will definitely have a reaction to it, but I'm not bothered by it. Kind of interesting now when he has a reaction I'm thinking "what are you gonna do? Divorce me? Jeez, you already dropped that bomb little man"

In the mean time, as you make these bigger decisions and are asking yourself if they are reactions to him verses your authentic choices, think about how his response could make you feel. Can you make a decision and be okay with the consequences and his reactions, whatever they may be? Meaning when you make the choice to do something, do so and accept that he could have any sort of reaction but that he will not change/influence your course as you continue into it. That is the goal anyhow.

And after considering available/possible reactions, I am ok with whatever he does. As I stated above, his reactions are his. They don't scare me anymore. He's already left the MR. Walking that out in my head really helped me gain clarity. I was looking at a smaller place because of him, not because that's what I want.

Our older boys are moving back this month and next month. The last thing I need to do is leave right now. We are going to stay here together for one month (s22, his wife and baby) and then they all have rentals in August.

I must slow down with my actions. When I step back and consider everything, I can see this for what it is.


Thank you all so much for your support, comments and advice. You know what I'm going through like no one else so you understand so much.

Stay strong, people. It's crazy out there!! <3