Can I Save My Marriage Alone?

[CanBird]

Alexa devise (aka Amazon computer or echo) has been telling/ notifying me of his purchases. As far as I know he's on a ship, in AK working until November. "Packages for ---- have arrived at their destination. Underwear, shorts, linen pants & shirt. Huh? What & who is this for? Where is it going? Wtf?

Do I say anything? What if they got stolen? Did they go elsewhere? Is this something to contact him about? My instincts say no contact about it.

Thoughts?

[CanBird]

Any moms on here? What helps you?

[97Hope]

Hi CanBird. If you are worried about stolen account, check your amazon account and see what card was used. If you ask him it will appear that you are looking for a reason to contact him.

Since he asked you not to contact him, don't. If you want to make videos of D3, do it and save them for him when he returns. You could also do a "journal" type thing with reports of what D3 is up to, and again, save them for his return or if/when he asks for them. Don't ask him if he wants anything. He's already communicated what he wants.

I would do my very best to honor his request and turn off the Amazon notifications so you don't get triggered.

I have a different vantage point from your situation, it looks like you are spending too much time in what he buys, why he buys it and what he plans to do with it. You must get out ahead of that or you will 1. drive yourself looney 2. make decisions to affect your R with your spouse (such that it is).

Any attempts to contact him at this point violate his request. If your amazon account was hacked, you can report it later, but you could always check out where it was delivered - IF you really truly believe it is in error. It sounds more like you know he's buying things for himself and don't know why and it is scary to you. That is understandable, but the sooner you get accustomed to his abnormal behavior - and detach - the easier your life will get. This can be practice for you dealing with your own emotional responses to things.

Figure out what really bothers you about these purchases, and then put them to rest. Leave him out of that. This is for your growth.

Stay strong.

[CanBird]

Thanks for the advice 97.

I believe he's buying things for himself, and not knowing why or where it got delivered, is scary to me. The not knowing part bothers me to my core. (It's what he wore to our wedding. A linen shirt & linen pants). (Maybe this has something to do with his brother? or maybe a job interview? And then my mind really wonders to horrible places). Him ordering stuff while he's at work is normal & getting it delivered elsewhere is normal too. It's the items. I'm not going to contact him or turn the notification feature off. I use it for my deliveries. Not sure why H items are on notification, but I can just tell "Alexa" to stop (talking) if the notification is not for me. De3 likes to talk to it when we get messages.

D3 has a media account that mostly family follows, so H can view videos there. I agree not to contact him over the above issue. Not my order, not my problem.

H is away at sea/work until November.; been away since mid April. We literally have no physical contact. Emails through his work get to him asap, if they have a connection. He can check regular email. And has sent D3 a video through other means. Any email contact is business or emergency.

His birthday is next month. I was going to send/mail a card from D3, with updates. It'll take a month to get there I gather. Last thing sent was a Father's Day Card.

Am I being mean by not sending him an email update on D3? He never asked for updates, or asks about her. That just kills me. But I'm guessing because he has to go through me, he's not going to bother. Makes me not want to send any emails at all. But the card yes. She's already picked it out & don't think it's fair to her to control that because of how I feel.

Well, at least time is on my side. What does that mean for my situation? Lots of GAL. I'm depressed, and faking my smile to everyone, including the mirror I face every morning. I know, I'm not alone. And I've got a right to feel how I feel. And when the are unhealthy feelings, don't stay there too long.

[AnotherStander]

I believe he's buying things for himself, and not knowing why or where it got delivered, is scary to me.

Him ordering stuff while he's at work is normal & getting it delivered elsewhere is normal too.

If it's normal then let it go. After BD we all go through a phase where we snoop and spin the worst possible scenario over every little thing we see and read. It's very harmful to your state of mind. In your case you're not intentionally snooping because it's automatic notifications, but it's still messing with your head. Just try to ignore them.

H is away at sea/work until November.; been away since mid April. We literally have no physical contact. Emails through his work get to him asap, if they have a connection. He can check regular email. And has sent D3 a video through other means. Any email contact is business or emergency.

Well as hard as that may seem it's actually a good thing. It'll give him time and space away from you and he may start missing you. It's best just to leave him alone for now.

His birthday is next month. I was going to send/mail a card from D3, with updates. It'll take a month to get there I gather. Last thing sent was a Father's Day Card.

Go ahead and send it.

Am I being mean by not sending him an email update on D3? He never asked for updates, or asks about her. That just kills me.

No he specifically told you not to contact him for any reason, so don't. If he's not asking for updates then don't send them. You can't make him be a good father unfortunately, and if you try he will just resent you that much more.

I'm depressed, and faking my smile to everyone, including the mirror I face every morning. I know, I'm not alone. And I've got a right to feel how I feel. And when the are unhealthy feelings, don't stay there too long.

You are correct they are your feelings and you should own them. Don't fight them. It makes the recovery go faster. Very sorry you're going through this, it's painful. Just take it a day at a time, or even an hour at a time if a day is too much to think about.

[CanBird]

Thank you AnotherStander.

I shall soldier on. You're right. No contact means no contact. If he wants updates on d3, he can ask.
I will send his bday card from d3.

Thanks again. Nice to know somebody is listening.

[LillyL]

I just want to send you some positive vibes.

[97Hope]

Am I being mean by not sending him an email update on D3? He never asked for updates, or asks about her.

Read this as many times as it takes for you to stop judging yourself so harshly. It doesn't matter what anyone tells you, it matters what YOU tell you. Tell yourself that you are honoring his wishes. You don't have to like it, I don't know anyone in their right mind that would like a parent not wanting to hear from/about their children. It hurts. Like AS wrote, let yourself feel whatever you feel, but don't stay there.

I also agree that even thought this time away feels hard, it can be a great opportunity for you to focus on you and your D3. No pressure to fake it in front of H, no pressure to please/displease, worry about how your actions are affecting him.

Think about what you want to accomplish during this time apart. Take care of yourself. You can do this. ((hugs))

[CanBird]

I just want to send you some positive vibes.

THank you

[CanBird]

Am I being mean by not sending him an email update on D3? He never asked for updates, or asks about her.

Read this as many times as it takes for you to stop judging yourself so harshly. It doesn't matter what anyone tells you, it matters what YOU tell you. Tell yourself that you are honoring his wishes. You don't have to like it, I don't know anyone in their right mind that would like a parent not wanting to hear from/about their children. It hurts. Like AS wrote, let yourself feel whatever you feel, but don't stay there.

I also agree that even thought this time away feels hard, it can be a great opportunity for you to focus on you and your D3. No pressure to fake it in front of H, no pressure to please/displease, worry about how your actions are affecting him.

Think about what you want to accomplish during this time apart. Take care of yourself. You can do this. ((hugs))

Thanks for the ((hugs)) 97Hope.