Can you give me some examples of this? What does this look like?
When you were a kid, did you ever play tug-of-war? You and an opponent pull on a rope, and whoever pulls the other one over the middle line, first, wins the game. Both teams are struggling with all their might, pulling on that rope! That's what a lot of couples do when facing a sitch like yours. However, the minute you drop your end of the rope.......the struggle is over. You walk away from it and focus on making a life for yourself. That's dropping the rope! You stop trying to figure out how to get her back. You stop wondering what she's doing, what she's thinking, etc. You just go on with life as though she were no longer a part of it. You don't act mean, cold-hearted, or anything along those lines....but you don't get involved with her drama.
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B/c she can sense when she's lost her hold on you. When none of her little escapades work anymore, and when you stop rescuing her from consequences and just let her deal with the reality she's caused.
What do you mean by her escapades?
Whenever she acts helpless/desperate, or says that nobody cares about her, or whatever she decides to use that will make you do whatever it is she wants at that particular moment. She will say and do things that mislead, dumbfound, and confuse you......b/c you think logically, and she doesn't. She will test you to see if you are still emotionally attached to her, and when she sees that you are......then she's not interested. The one thing the WW doesn't really consider.....is losing the H's love and availability in her life. She doesn't want him, but she thought he would always carry a torch for her. I know that makes no sense to you, but it is the arrogant mindset. She doesn't really see him replacing her position in his life. Even if she tells him she wants him to find someone else......she doesn't mean it. It's just a scenario she gives.
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What do you mean by rescuing her from her consequences?
When she said she wanted a D and left you, then her problems became her problems.......not yours. She has fired you, so now you stop playing like her H. Most times the W's problems are about her need for more money. Maybe she's maxed out her credit cards, took too many weekend trips, bought too many clothes......whatever. If she wants a new car and can't afford one on her salary alone, don't co-sign for a loan and don't buy her a car. If all her old friends don't invite her to their get-togethers any more, don't try to fix their relationship. Let her figure it out.
Some W's will call their LBH, complaining about something, and the H thinks if he fixes it (or rescues her) then he scores brownie points. If she has a wayward mindset, it won't get him any closer to reconciliation. Allowing her to face consequences that came due to her decision to leave the M, is a form of tough love. She doesn't want you, but she wants you to fix her bills or buy her something b/c she can't afford it? No, it doesn't work that way. If she wants to live on her own, then she has to figure out how to do it. (I hope you will stay balanced about this, and don't get crazy.) BTW, don't decide to repeat any of these words to her, thinking you'll break through to her.
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I do feel like I am riding her emotional rollercoaster with her and I don’t like it. Some days she is very nice with me over the phone and some days she’s not. When she’s around her parents, she is a freaking turd. When we are in MC, she turns into a tough guy.
Then get off the ride! When you see her bringing drama.......you don't engage. If possible, you remove yourself. You be you, and stop trying to win her back. When she's nice, just remind yourself it means NOTHING. Don't start doing cartwheels or anything.......just be polite. If she starts pulling the freaking turd trick, separate yourself from her. Her parents are on their own.
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She calls my family and tells them she doesn’t think I’m taking her seriously when she says we are getting divorced, yet I feel I am taking her seriously but still hoping for the best. She will also call them to wish them a happy birthday, too.
But, why does she call my family if she wants to end it with me? I know I need to not care, but it’s just frustrating to me!
Control and manipulation. Even if you can't understand or see it, she is doing it to benefit herself somehow.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
