The fact that he's texting and not phoning is a good thing. It's easier to monitor your response by text. This is what we want right? Minimal business like contact. It may be punishment; it may be cowardice. You don't care. You are in control of what you do moving forward.
I remember the adrenalin / anxiety when the phone pings. It passes.
Well I have a bit of a different take on him disappearing and you checking up. I do understand your concern for his safety -- and for those of us that have lost someone to suicide, yes, there can be that fear. However, he has not exhibited sign's of suicidal ideation (or you have not posted them here) and quite frankly, he left you. While you are still his W on paper, he has fired you from that role. It is no longer your job to search for him or reach out to his family and express concern. I am sorry but I still view this as pursuit. Now, if one of your kids were with him and you were concerned with THEIR whereabouts, then it's completely understandable. Again, that is my opinion and others may disagree.
I also see your H's behavior as controlling. He is not overtly controlling in that he shouts or tells others what they have to do, but he is controlling in the sense that he is manipulative and selfish acting. Even with the Italy vacation; he had an idea and then proposed it as it would suit him. If he genuinely cared about you and your kids having a nice vacation, he would ask what type of vacation you guys would like and how he can support that. I see none of that with him. Also, about him visiting over the weekend, you told him you were not available and he basically replied he would be there anyways. Perhaps it is time to tell him to step aside? Your kids are old enough that he can directly plan things with them, no? If I were you and he came by the house (which I did with my WH), I up and left and went out for my GAL.
I just don't see any reason that you two have frequent visits or even communication anymore. What is the purpose other than for you to hang on to him (really, the idea of him)? He left you, he is controlling, and he hasn't shown an interest in having a good relationship with you. It seems your interactions with him leave you feeling bad about yourself and anxious. I think you know on some level that there is OW(s) in the picture, even without the proof. Basically, he is a selfish jerk and you deserve better, dilly.
You are an amazing woman and mum. We read it here every day. And you give the best advice to others. Can you perhaps give yourself the same? There are plenty of good men that will treat you well and appreciate you (and your kids)! I know it! As you read about your friends here, note how much better they feel when they enforce boundaries and allow some detachment in. It does work, but you have to start somewhere.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I would love to get your take on my situation, Blu.
Originally Posted by BluWave
Well I have a bit of a different take on him disappearing and you checking up. I do understand your concern for his safety -- and for those of us that have lost someone to suicide, yes, there can be that fear. However, he has not exhibited sign's of suicidal ideation (or you have not posted them here) and quite frankly, he left you. While you are still his W on paper, he has fired you from that role. It is no longer your job to search for him or reach out to his family and express concern. I am sorry but I still view this as pursuit. Now, if one of your kids were with him and you were concerned with THEIR whereabouts, then it's completely understandable. Again, that is my opinion and others may disagree.
I also see your H's behavior as controlling. He is not overtly controlling in that he shouts or tells others what they have to do, but he is controlling in the sense that he is manipulative and selfish acting. Even with the Italy vacation; he had an idea and then proposed it as it would suit him. If he genuinely cared about you and your kids having a nice vacation, he would ask what type of vacation you guys would like and how he can support that. I see none of that with him. Also, about him visiting over the weekend, you told him you were not available and he basically replied he would be there anyways. Perhaps it is time to tell him to step aside? Your kids are old enough that he can directly plan things with them, no? If I were you and he came by the house (which I did with my WH), I up and left and went out for my GAL.
I just don't see any reason that you two have frequent visits or even communication anymore. What is the purpose other than for you to hang on to him (really, the idea of him)? He left you, he is controlling, and he hasn't shown an interest in having a good relationship with you. It seems your interactions with him leave you feeling bad about yourself and anxious. I think you know on some level that there is OW(s) in the picture, even without the proof. Basically, he is a selfish jerk and you deserve better, dilly.
You are an amazing woman and mum. We read it here every day. And you give the best advice to others. Can you perhaps give yourself the same? There are plenty of good men that will treat you well and appreciate you (and your kids)! I know it! As you read about your friends here, note how much better they feel when they enforce boundaries and allow some detachment in. It does work, but you have to start somewhere.
He is a selfish jerk, absolutely. This morning I raced home to take ds2 to his thing, only to find that H was already there. He insisted on taking him so that he got to see him, so I went and had a shower and put on a nice dress, red lipstick and perfume. When he got back he asked me about my race and about Italy. I said that ds1 didn't want to go to Italy and that we've made our decision. He got the message, asked me to let him know the dates so he can make arrangements to take the kids somewhere another time. I asked when he was taking ds1 out and he said he was still asleep, so I asked if he could stay until the supermarket delivery turned up so I could go out. He asked if I was going to the office. I said I was going out, gave no details. And then I headed out, I wasn't unfriendly but I wasn't very chatty. I won't be meeting him in the evenings in future. TBH I am angry about his radio silence last week, and that anger is fuelling me towards not wanting to see him.
I feel really lonely, I HATE weekends so much. I feel stuck and sad and just bleurgh. Bad couple of days. But I'll pick myself up, make plans and keep busy. I can do this.
When he got back he asked me about my race and about Italy. I said that ds1 didn't want to go to Italy and that we've made our decision. He got the message, asked me to let him know the dates so he can make arrangements to take the kids somewhere another time.
This is so good Dilly. Your anger will pass but you are using it in exactly the right way, in my opinion. And it's GOOD that he is at least claiming to think about taking the kids away on his own - he needs to learn to be a good father to them without your facilitating that and they need to develop their own relationship with him. You did fantastically well.
Originally Posted by dillydaf
I feel really lonely, I HATE weekends so much. I feel stuck and sad and just bleurgh. Bad couple of days. But I'll pick myself up, make plans and keep busy. I can do this.
The loneliness is a problem and your H is not the answer to it, as you know. Your H is not the answer to any of your problems. But if you detach from him, and don't even mentally turn towards him with the expectation that he's going to meet any of your needs, you will have more energy and impetus to find other solutions. It will take time.
Weekends are hard for me too. And the odd evening too. I still worry I over-rely on the kids to meet my emotional needs, and that isn't to their benefit.
Shall we brainstorm good ways to tackle loneliness? I need some help with this too. I see my friends pretty regularly, and I saw my family this weekend and that was good too. But yes - there's a husband-shaped gap in my life and it is painful still sometimes.
You might be feeling stuck, but it looks to me like you've just taken a little and really important step towards a positive change for yourself.
Loneliness stinks. Can you think of it as a chance to have some quality dilly-time? What if you were given a surprise day off from all of your worries and cares? What would you do with it? I don't mean to sound insensitive, but since you can't change the sitch, change the way you think about it. Not alone (lonely) FREE (to do what you want, when you want!). It's just a season.
big hugs!!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Weekends are hard for me too. And the odd evening too. I still worry I over-rely on the kids to meet my emotional needs, and that isn't to their benefit.
Shall we brainstorm good ways to tackle loneliness? I need some help with this too. I see my friends pretty regularly, and I saw my family this weekend and that was good too. But yes - there's a husband-shaped gap in my life and it is painful still sometimes.
Well there's not much chance of me over-relying on my kids to meet my emotional needs, they are full on teens who don't talk very much unless I take them to lunch (ds1) or drive them places (ds2). It's hard because my friends are still very much in Family Mode so they're mostly busy at the weekends, their kids are either younger or they have very dependent relationships with them. That's part of the reason why I've been trying to meet new people, it's nice to talk to people about anything but family! Yes, Hope, I have been reframing it as freedom, but that only goes so far when I spend so much time alone, I know you can feel lonely in company but I know I need more social contact.
So, solutions for the next few weeks: 1. spend 2 days a week at the office, should be easier now I have less stuff on 2. go to running club one night a week (and tell someone there I will be going so I have accountability) 3. book yoga one night a week (to have accountability) 4. join my working group on Fridays at the pub, arrange to do something afterwards 5. weekends: arrange at least one thing in advance (walking group, book cinema tickets, race etc) 6. lots of exercise classes 7. buy some new books, reading is something which makes me feel less lonely, particularly if I do it at a pub or cafe
Not sure how long this will be sustainable for when the holidays start but I have firmed up dates to go away at the start of August and after that a friend has asked if I want to go camping with her. And of course I still have a huge amount of work to do for my October deadline, panicking a bit about that!
So, solutions for the next few weeks: 1. spend 2 days a week at the office, should be easier now I have less stuff on 2. go to running club one night a week (and tell someone there I will be going so I have accountability) 3. book yoga one night a week (to have accountability) 4. join my working group on Fridays at the pub, arrange to do something afterwards 5. weekends: arrange at least one thing in advance (walking group, book cinema tickets, race etc) 6. lots of exercise classes 7. buy some new books, reading is something which makes me feel less lonely, particularly if I do it at a pub or cafe !
I love that list. Here's mine:
1. Monday nights and Saturday mornings at my church 2. Go into office and see work colleagues at least once per week, including social lunch and not sandwich at desk. 3. Reading something NOT about relationships / self improvement every night before bed. 4. Stranger Things night with friend, Eldest and her daughter this weekend. 5. Visit parents this weekend.
Great lists ladies , where’s that special one off exhilarating something to really look forward to event ? Kayaking? Zorbing , sea fishing, wild music festival, glass making , wire walking, bulldozer driving, off road carring, hang gliding type thing ? You have the gift of time, when/if you get back your relationship, you won’t have the time anymore, doing something adventurous will boost your ego no end and will help when you socialise with other people .
