Italy was beyond amazing. I worked on a farm with this fantastic family. I LOVED it. I went with the intent of trying to figure out if I would be happy with animals and a small farm. Short answer is YES. I love the work involved. I love the routine that is required when you work with animals - because they rely on you.
I'm figuring out what a 2 or 3 year plan might be for me to have a few small animals on my own little property. Not a farm per se, but I'd like a few goats (dairy/meat) and sheep (fiber) and some chickens and ducks (eggs/meat). Something manageable for one person. I still have a lot to learn, but I know there are resources I can dig into to keep learning.
I came home smelling like a farm and I had never been so content. I see my future a lot clearer now. Even if I don't exactly end up with animals, I see the type of life I want. I want a life where I'm putting in the hard work to create something over time. Every year it's a little bit bigger, a little bit stronger, and I rely on my own learning and commitment to create that life. It's like a picture coming into focus. THAT is keeping me going.
******
I'm in the middle of a little emotional cycle regarding W. We still don't talk. She is coming to the house for a significant amount of time this weekend to get it ready to put on the market. I don't know what projects she thinks need to be done. There hasn't been clear communication on that, and it's something we need to talk about.
I look around the house and there is so much stuff still. She asked that I identify exactly what I want to take so she knows what needs to be disposed of. I'm feeling overwhelmed, but I need to just take a deep breath and tackle one room at a time. When this whole thing started I wanted to keep everything. Now I just want a few pieces of furniture here and there. It will be expensive, but I feel the need to pick out my own new items once I settle into a new place.
I still don't know where I'll be living and it's getting to be crunch time for an October move. I have a meeting with a potential roommate this week. I'm weighing my options between a roommate and living on my own in an apartment for about a year or less. Save money vs comfort.
I desperately am ready to buy a house in MY name. But I need to wait for all legal stuff to go through before I know what kind of down payment I might have, and to be qualified as a first-time home buyer. If you remember, my name is not on this house's deed at all. So to get these benefits, I must be divorced.
But I still don't want the divorce. I don't think I do. Mostly I'm unsure how I feel. So I don't tell W these details because I don't want her to think she's proceeding with a D to benefit me. I don't want her to justify it. It will happen in its own time.
Her bday was last week so I sent her a simple text wishing her a happy birthday. That was it. No response. I think that's what sent me into an emotional cycle. I know I shouldn't have had expectations, but I guess I kind of did deep down. I assumed she'd just write back "thank you". That's it. But nothing.
Something about the lack of response made me feel like she's struggling. I know I'm mind-reading. But just as I'm starting to let go of her I'm back into thinking about her. I had been doing really well NOT thinking about her for a while now.
It's very difficult to not know how she is. I hope she is healing in whatever way she needs, and growing in other ways. But something in my gut says something is still very wrong, and I can't do anything about it.
******** I can distract myself easily most days. I still have a crush on someone, and spend way too much time thinking about how attracted to her I am. But even this ebbs and flows. I would like this woman as a friend, and I would like her as a more-than-friend, but I don't want a R with her. It's interesting, I've never been attracted to someone but so very clearly didn't want to date them. I don't want to date anyone, and that feels good.
****** Today I will go dig in the gardens. This brings me a lot of joy lately and is a new hobby for me. It fits in so wonderfully with this life I'm trying to build for myself. This new life that I want that is slowly coming into focus. I do so many of these things already, but to really focus on them makes my smile bigger and calms my soul.
*flower gardens with roses and poppies. Pollinator gardens too. *veggie gardens, herb gardens *canning and preserving the veggies from garden *weekly homemade bread *practice making cheeses (for future goats!) *continued knitting projects - I've done so many lately! *more manual labor, less toxic quick-fixes (weeding, scrubbing can all be done by hand) *less stuff, more quality items *more community learning. Jewelry making, yarn spinning, animal husbandry... *drink less, be present more (a work in progress...) *more friends at my home, less going "out" *more friends! (also working on this) *more consistent light cleaning for a home that is in order, but not pristine. *practice fixing mechanical items (lawnmower is currently in the shop....)
**** So all in all - yes, I'm still cycling in grief 9 months after W left. But it's more like little waves, not overwhelming. And I have to remember that this is how grief is supposed to work, and I'm doing well. And to focus on my values and future life is really the most helpful piece. I can focus on growing and creating my life and I'll push out all those annoying little weeds that try to sneak in.
