So gonna be honest, these last few days have been extremely harsh on me. In general day to day I'm doing good. But for some reason the last few nights I've been dreaming about her and coming back.
The only things I can think of is the fact that the 4th of July would have been 13 years since we got together, or it's the fact that I am now actively pursuing D and it's becoming more of a reality.
I've been waking up before I should be with her fresh in my mind and the feeling that the dreams were real. Once I fully wake up though I'm fine and it doesn't phase me the rest of the day. Except when I was going through all my photos on my Google photos and seeing so many good times, I moved all of them to an album out of plain sight so I wouldn't easily see them again. But yeah, the last few days have kinda sucked.
I feel ya Mikey. We all have those dreams. I've had a lot of dreams about past ex's before while still married for 10 years too before BD. Some were about me always revisiting ex's at parents house, and we made up, and it felt good, but not right. Others were about getting back together with ex's at old apt. From 20 years ago, and meeting the person I was cheated on with. Sometimes its people that came into our lives, then came out of it. Sometimes its strangers, distant or estranged relatives, and deceased loved ones. Sometimes the emotional effects last anywhere between 5 and 30 minutes after waking. We have a tendency to search for meaning in it. But it really doesnt mean much. Its fruitless. Its just the subconscious mind looking for closure and wanting to make peace with things. The funny odd thing is? At least for me and my experiences is. I hardly if ever, dreamt of that person while sleeping right next to them. Maybe on seldom occaision. But once they were gone, or emotionally gone, I would dream of reconciling with them occasionally, only to wake up, and snap back to reality. Upon waking to reality, its a mixture of sadness, and soberness, like this is where I am and this is my current reality.
I had a really funny dream this morning unrelated to W but a tie in to my family. I was sleeping with, and putting the moves on a girl in her mid to late 20's that I picked up in a bar. Someone that I would never consider dating, or had any compatibility with. But it was nice to get some temporary attention. I was putting the moves on her, then I look up, and I see pictures of my family, and my memories of S1 and W were all up on her wall surrounding her bed. I stopped and was like 'I can't do this" Then?.. Lol.. Her parents knocked on her door, and I had to get dressed quick before they walked into the room, and had to pretend like I was preparing camping gear or something.. Lol.. Weird.
Its a weird place to be in. Like you have to logically hammer out all the division of asset stuff, deal with the mental death of another person, deal with some forms of denial, and force yourself to push through on the logical of reality,band even when you do deal with the denial, its not like you are happy about it, coming from a position of strength. It is just something that we have to reluctantly do. Then the hassle of the pushback, the negotiating, the emails. It all feels so wrong, petty, and defensive. I've been naively avoiding getting my ducks in a row, because of pain avoidance, looking for any pleasurable distractions, and just wasting for critical time. Then there's the conflict of personal principles and values and logic, vs. emotions, past, and memories which causes me to flip flop a lot in my head a lot.
Last night I realized just how miserable I am, that I am not myself anymore, and haven't been for 10 months. I am miserable around the person I call my W in my own home. We don't talk, and we don't have any desire to. Sometimes I start to imagine a single independent life of being on my own, and as painful as that is, it looks more appealing than dragging things out like this. Occaisionally I get a glimpse of my old self when I go out at GAL, or put some tunes on the jukebox that I love, or hangout alone with S1. Just more growing pains I guess? But? All of this is strengthing my character, and definately growing me as a single father. My W keeps wanting to "play family" as a good co parent by inviting me to select occaision, but I'm just not having it. I've tried going out for ice cream, and the drive inn over the last 10 months, and the experience isn't that great because she wants out, but wants to remain co-parents and "friends" I just think the whole thing is stupid. Friends don't divide and split assets, and take quasi legal action against one another IMO. With friends like that? Who needs enemies? But it is a reality that these things do need to be address and dealt with in a non vindictive manner. Sorry to blow up your thread, hope this relates.
