OM Backed Out

[Rita]

Oh my gosh, Tad, you sound like you are carrying a heavy burden. It sounds like you are hurting so much. ((((Tad)))))

You know what? Your sensitivity about the animals is beautiful. Maybe getting nauseous is the right response.

And maybe it will pass and you will not be so sensitive. To everything, a season.

But maybe right now you are just so open to pain that everything hurts and feels personal. I cry at the slightest thing in a commercial -- and forget about it if I see someone do something really kind or really suffer on the train. I cry the whole way home. Maybe we should all be crying MORE in this world, maybe there would be less suffering if we all opened our hearts to the suffering we witness.

Now about feeling like an afterthought. I connect this to what I wrote above. But I will say one thing, as a daughter to a man who often says things like that -- those thoughts may be a lie. You may be believing a lie, a dark force in your mind, because you are sad and raw and burdened. Maybe all those people are waiting for you to love them more, to show up more, to not be busy with work, to be just really fun and full of joy when you see them, to pay for things for the grandson and to be more interested in them than in your own pain.

The pain is real. The burden is real, and I not only hear but understand you and want to give you a big hug.

But a gift you can give your kids is to put the pain in a box when you think about them or see them. Don't make a symbol out of anything they say or do. Invite them over on Christmas instead of feeling left out. And if they say no, go volunteer at a homeless shelter to cook a meal for someone else that day. Use your life, use it, you are here for a reason, and once you live that reason, you will not feel so burdened.

But while you feel burdened, remember that Gerda is sending you a big hug and understands your feelings of rejection and pain and drifting perfectly.