Can I Save My Marriage Alone?

[CanBird]

Today I'm thinking of sending H an email, to update him on d3. Considering making this a monthly thing, as he'll be gone until November. It will be sent to his work email, as he will get it right away. Even though everyone else can read these emails, I'd like him to read it sooner than later, as it's been awhile.

When he left for work in mid April (BD in March), he asked that I not send him anything. I'm assuming he didn't want anything from me. He wasn't specific, (I didn't ask, I sat & listened) so I'm a little bit nervous in sending him an update on d3. Since he's been gone, other than sending her a short birthday video (end of May), he hasn't reached out to ask about her. This makes me sad.

Stupid question. Is it normal for someone in MLC not to ask how their children? Has anyone else experienced this? In a way, since none of his behavior is normal, I can see he might be shutting himself off from contacting us. Not sure why, and again, none of this is suppose to make sense to us, as it's his journey.

How do you handle your spouse not asking about your child/kids? She's only 3. I guess I just have to remember that my spouse is in crisis mode, and not himself. I love him dearly, and I except that he's going through a really hard time.

Excepting what is, is excepting what it is.

[Ready2Change]

I would send him D3 updates. Keep it all about D3. You can co-parent. If he tells you to stop then we can help you repond appropriately.

[AnotherStander]

Today I'm thinking of sending H an email, to update him on d3. Considering making this a monthly thing, as he'll be gone until November. It will be sent to his work email, as he will get it right away. Even though everyone else can read these emails, I'd like him to read it sooner than later, as it's been awhile.

When he left for work in mid April (BD in March), he asked that I not send him anything.

Since he asked you not to send anything, you might send him a message first that says something like "I was thinking about sending you a monthly update on D, is that something you would be interested in?" If he says yes, then don't try to turn it into an opportunity to start contact with him. Just send him an update on D and that's all, period. Then do what you say and don't send anything more to him until the next month.

Stupid question. Is it normal for someone in MLC not to ask how their children?

Unfortunately it is normal. MLCers are some of the most horrible parents out there. They do often completely cut their children completely out of their lives, sometimes permanently. Sometimes years later they decide to try and patch things up, but by then the children resent them so much that they don't want to talk to them. You can send updates but keep in mind YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM A GOOD PARENT. You just can't, it's outside of your control.

[CanBird]

I would send him D3 updates. Keep it all about D3. You can co-parent. If he tells you to stop then we can help you repond appropriately.

Thanks for reading & replying. I'm going to wait a few days, as d3 has a dentist appointment next week and it'll be something else to update H about.

D3 also has an InstaGram account, that updates all of our family. It's more for fun, not super personal like an email.

[CanBird]

Today I'm thinking of sending H an email, to update him on d3. Considering making this a monthly thing, as he'll be gone until November. It will be sent to his work email, as he will get it right away. Even though everyone else can read these emails, I'd like him to read it sooner than later, as it's been awhile.

When he left for work in mid April (BD in March), he asked that I not send him anything.

Since he asked you not to send anything, you might send him a message first that says something like "I was thinking about sending you a monthly update on D, is that something you would be interested in?" If he says yes, then don't try to turn it into an opportunity to start contact with him. Just send him an update on D and that's all, period. Then do what you say and don't send anything more to him until the next month.

Stupid question. Is it normal for someone in MLC not to ask how their children?

Unfortunately it is normal. MLCers are some of the most horrible parents out there. They do often completely cut their children completely out of their lives, sometimes permanently. Sometimes years later they decide to try and patch things up, but by then the children resent them so much that they don't want to talk to them. You can send updates but keep in mind YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM A GOOD PARENT. You just can't, it's outside of your control.

Thank you for reading and your reply. I'm not sure that asking if he wants an update, is the right thing to do. I say this because everyone he works with, (it's a boat) can read these emails. As far as I know, and I know this about him, he literally does not talk to anyone about his private life. Thus, it would be strange for the "wife" to send an email basically asking permission to email him about his daughter. Any contact thus far via work email has been strictly business.

If I do send an update, I'll do it next week after d3 has a dentist appointment, so I'll have more to update him on.

Re MLC & parenting: Boo. This is sad to hear, and I hope that this isn't the case here. Only time will tell what kind of parent he will be. I'm being the best parent I can be without any help (other than the income H provides). I totally get that he is in control of himself. More like his in control of being out of control. It helps if look at him in that way.

[CanBird]

Today was okay. It's a new month. My mother's birthday. She passed away 6 years ago. (nine months before I got married). Mother's Day is the hardest. Her passing forced me to be stronger, but this storm that's happening hit me with the same emptiness, those waves of grief. And now, the feeling like there's a piece of you missing. A hole in your heart.

Any way, today was okay. D3 and I did art class, saw friends, had a good day together. The weekend was okay too. Friday morning did swim time at the community pool. At night went to a monthly outdoor event our town has. Saw lots friends. It was pretty cool to run into so many people we knew. Small town! Saturday afternoon, bbq & pool time. Sunday went out for late lunch, saw friends, had ice cream, went to the park before dark.

My pool is almost back to normal. D3 is my little helper of course. Did a few home improvements too. Why wait for someone else to do it!

That's all for now

[AnotherStander]

Thank you for reading and your reply. I'm not sure that asking if he wants an update, is the right thing to do. I say this because everyone he works with, (it's a boat) can read these emails. As far as I know, and I know this about him, he literally does not talk to anyone about his private life. Thus, it would be strange for the "wife" to send an email basically asking permission to email him about his daughter. Any contact thus far via work email has been strictly business.

Oh wow, well that's a strange situation. Can they all read the replies he sends as well? Because you could be putting him in a tough spot, he told you not to send anything, so if you do and they can see his replies then he can't tell you to stop because that would look strange too. I would be inclined not to send him anything. If he asks about D, THEN you can send him something.

[CanBird]

H ordered some clothing items. (Underwear & swim trunks). I got a message they arrived at their destination. Nothing arrived here. Where'd they get sent to? WTF is what I'm thinking. But it's non of my business. It's not my problem/situation/...etc. That means to me a few things. But I can't care or think. It's a waste of my time. It's underwear ...lol..(workout kind ).

[CanBird]

Feeling sick to my stomach. Another notification something H ordered online has arrived. So far he's ordered shorts, underwear and now Linen dress shirts. Yeah. That's not for work. Again, nothing has come here. I'm assuming it's all going to his grandmothers house in CA, while he's in AK. (If he's even there. I only know by paycheck stubs that come).

I'm not dealing well with this. I'm feeling lost again. Trying to hold it together in front of d3.

[CanBird]

Make that linen pants & shirts. WTF?!