W is at the beginning phase of taking quasi legal action with mediator, house refi, is attempting to back charge me through house sale deduction for house projects and $$$ for yard clean up and landscaping that I had no say in. All these things I was going to eventually do but she took it upon herself. All actions have been verbally stated to me with her not presenting documentation yet to me on her part. Plus like Unichen's W she has this parental undermining capability, and perceives me as "scary and aggressive" and all these other irrational emotional fears for whatever reason. (She constantly tells me she's scared that our son will be abducted out in public one day.) As I mentioned in one of my previous posts she even went as far to undermine me on a Facebook post that I had a picture of myself and my son with in a ball pit park. Maybe I just took it that way and took it personally so I didn't respond to it.
She now wants me out by August and she's working to get it. Anything I disagree with her on, (According to her counciling notes that I'm not supposed to know about.) She's going to take any disagreements to a mediator, but she hasn't presented any documentation towards me. She is just verbally stating her actions moving forward. She also holds all the files in her room. So I have to eventually ask for them, without being intrusive. I haven't even made a lawyer consultation appointment yet I keep putting it off because Im hesitant to do it. Like everyone recommends here I want her to make all the moves and do all the work torwards S. But she's attempting to back charge me too for her choices and deduct it from house sale price when house does sell, as well as me being on her insurance plan despite having my own. That part I can understand. She can't list the house on the market because there's crap all over the place, and walls need to be painted, steps patched, and all this other crap for curb appeal. rather than waiting or asking for me to take the initiative she just started spending money to do landscaping and project materials that her brothers purchased that I did not authorize to have work done around this house. She has also borrowed $5,000 from her parents to move forward. Since February I've refused to do any of these things around here other than the bare necessity because she wanted to sell, fired me as her H, now wants refi to buy me out and get me out, and keep the house until next year until she can sell it. The best part is she doesn't have any intention or means of paying me until the house sells. So I don't have any intention of moving. I think what she's trying to do is get me off the mortgage but keep me on the land deed, and pull 7 years worth of equity to buy me out. I have to look at the documents again. She's gone all week on vacation with S1.
Uni I am at the beginning phase of W taking legal action with mediator, house refi, attempted back charge for house projects and $ yard clean up that I had no say in. All have been verbally stated to me with her not presenting documentation yet to me on her part. Plus like your W she has this parental undermining, and perceives me as "scary and aggressive" and all these other irrational emotional fears for whatever reason. (She constantly tells me she's scared that our son will be abducted out in public one day.)
She now wants me out by August and she's working to get it. Anything I disagree with her on, (According to her counciling notes that I'm not supposed to know about.) She has already spoken a mediator as of recently, but she hasn't presented any documentation towards me, or announced when she consulted with them as of this Weds. She just verbally stated what She was putting into action. I haven't made any mention of even though I think she knows that I know based on my in-laws babysitting when I came home from work. She knows I'm observant. She also holds all the files in her room. I haven't even made a lawyer consultation appointment yet I keep putting it off because Im hesitant to do it. Like everyone recommends here I want her to make all the moves and do all the work torwards S. But she's attempting to back charge me too for her choices and deduct it from house sale price when house does sell, as well as me being on her insurance plan despite having my own. That part I can understand. She can't list the house on the market because there's crap all over the place, and walls need to be painted, steps patched, and all this other crap for curb appeal. Rather than waiting or asking for me to take the initiative she just started spending money to do landscaping and project materials that her brothers purchased that I did not authorize to have work done around this house. Since February I've refused to do any of these things other than the bare necessity because she wanted to sell, fired me as her H, now wants refi to buy me out and get me out, and keep the house until next year until she can sell it.
I know everyone here is going to tell me to stop focusing on her and stop snooping, but she barely communicates any of this, and if she does its in verbal passing, and not an actual sit down of lets review the numbers and options. What's my first step in the process and all this consult with a mediator? Or Divorce Lawyer to review all CS, Marital Property, Asset division and the like? Which one should I consult with given the current and complicated situation?
There are so many lines in the sand I can tolerate being crossed. I know the people here have dealt with much more drama than this especially with WW and WH. I just want to be prepared to respond to what she may or may not present since the communication is extremely poor. We don't even go over bills. We did monthly up until I stopped a few months ago. I just deposit and estimated amount of my half weekly into joint account and keep track of occasionally. I was on top of it like a hawk up until the last 3 months.
I guess what I'm looking for from everyone on the board here is how to proceed forward with the process. Also it's not that I'm looking for emotional support or techniques in DB. I know I have to ultimately decide what's right for myself, and how to protect myself and my assets. I understand that the walkaway person's views are they just want to separate and they are taking the necessary steps financially, emotionally, logistically, to proceed forward and doing such. Whether are they 100% they want divorce or just 80%.
From my own personal perspective. I'm having a really hard time understanding why anyone here including myself, would want to ever stand for their marriage once enough trust have been violated. Power plays, personal agendas, communication breakdowns, Child Support and Marital Related assets and logistics. All the division and secrecy of everything. There is a lot of covert F@$! You's going around on both sides even though everything is polite, calm, and friendly on the surface for what little we do talk. There's no respect for the other person's opinion or direction. I understand the other person wants out and wants to do it as amicably as possible. But the person on the receiving end always feels betrayed. My question is why would anyone on here want to ride this out and stand for their marriage in hopes of recon? I feel like a fool. We both don't want to get vindictive. But I feel like a fool for wanting to R given all the actions taken against the marriage. It would just be easier to do the deed get everything in order and get through it as painlessly as possible and just move on with my life from an emotional and logical stand point. Why in the world would you want to trust, reconcile, or even consider someone who is bent on dividing? Life is too short to entertain that kind of bull$hit! The love is gone. The M isn't coming back, and neither is the trust without active commitment to improve things from both parties. The only way I'm ever going to really get focused on my own life is by being apart and independent from all this destruction.
I need someone here to either talk me into moving forward with the divorce or talk me out of it for reasons that they have experienced. Because I find all the actions taken so petty, and so undermining in trust that I don't want to continue anymore, but can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I'm violating my own principles for allowing it to even get this far in the first place and holding out, "because we love who they used to be, but are no more." I know most of you like Steve85 here advocate a middle ground in thinking and action. I need someone here to tell me the pros and cons again for and against divorce. I just want to cut her loose let her free be done with it and move on. For me to stay in the middle ground and still work amicably and work things out such as the logistics, be physically seperated and not be divorced, makes me feel like a fool because so much trust has been breached. Why would any self respecting person put up with that, even if both people changed over time?
