I continue to feel pretty steady most of the time, with little bursts of anger and deep sadness that I try to take care of, but don't act on. I suppose this is grief, and I am going through it, and most days feel a bit easier than the last. The dark panic and flailing of the early part of this year has gone. I am so much stronger now. The urge to placate him at all costs has gone too. I suppose the sadness is looking at him and realising that no matter how much I wish it were not so, he's not capable of being the husband I deserve right now and that my job is only to accept that. It is coming much easier than it did.
Alison, this is huge. I want you to reread this when you doubt yourself or feel stuck. ... We all have a different timeline on this journey. Some of us take years to even accept the M is over and some of us turn our cheek and file for D the day after BD, and then everyone else lies somewhere in between. But for all of us, we do eventually make progress and go on with our life. Grief is an important part of that process. Our WAS often go running out the door and deny themselves the necessary steps. Even us, the LBS, can prolong allowing in the grief. We can be afraid of letting in grief because that translates to accepting it's over. The reality is, it was already over. As we all say here, the M as we knew it is dead and gone. We can fight it, cling to it, and wait, but we cannot revive it....
Our fear of the unknown holds us back. I think when we allow grief in, it is not as bad as we thought it would be. Actually starting the grief process makes us stronger and ultimately builds resilience, grit and character. As we allow the intense sadness in, we also learn to soothe ourselves in ways we never knew possible. We realize how alone we truly are, but that it is not a bad thing. We can trust and rely on ourselves to be there. We do have what it takes to make it through a terrible time and we will survive. We love our self more because we know we will always pull through when others cannot. I know this all sounds so cliche, but I really believe in this! I am proof of this. I think this self love and self discovery is the silver lining in this mess for us all! When we do the hard work, we come out on the other side and we like ourselves more, with or without our M.
I see that you are on your way. I am glad to read this and your friends as they begin to join you. We all fall off the wagon at times, but we can all get back up. It is so, so hard, but worth the struggle. And as you continue on your journey, you can continue to help others along the way.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
