I would love to get your take on my situation, Blu.
Originally Posted by BluWave
Well I have a bit of a different take on him disappearing and you checking up. I do understand your concern for his safety -- and for those of us that have lost someone to suicide, yes, there can be that fear. However, he has not exhibited sign's of suicidal ideation (or you have not posted them here) and quite frankly, he left you. While you are still his W on paper, he has fired you from that role. It is no longer your job to search for him or reach out to his family and express concern. I am sorry but I still view this as pursuit. Now, if one of your kids were with him and you were concerned with THEIR whereabouts, then it's completely understandable. Again, that is my opinion and others may disagree.
I also see your H's behavior as controlling. He is not overtly controlling in that he shouts or tells others what they have to do, but he is controlling in the sense that he is manipulative and selfish acting. Even with the Italy vacation; he had an idea and then proposed it as it would suit him. If he genuinely cared about you and your kids having a nice vacation, he would ask what type of vacation you guys would like and how he can support that. I see none of that with him. Also, about him visiting over the weekend, you told him you were not available and he basically replied he would be there anyways. Perhaps it is time to tell him to step aside? Your kids are old enough that he can directly plan things with them, no? If I were you and he came by the house (which I did with my WH), I up and left and went out for my GAL.
I just don't see any reason that you two have frequent visits or even communication anymore. What is the purpose other than for you to hang on to him (really, the idea of him)? He left you, he is controlling, and he hasn't shown an interest in having a good relationship with you. It seems your interactions with him leave you feeling bad about yourself and anxious. I think you know on some level that there is OW(s) in the picture, even without the proof. Basically, he is a selfish jerk and you deserve better, dilly.
You are an amazing woman and mum. We read it here every day. And you give the best advice to others. Can you perhaps give yourself the same? There are plenty of good men that will treat you well and appreciate you (and your kids)! I know it! As you read about your friends here, note how much better they feel when they enforce boundaries and allow some detachment in. It does work, but you have to start somewhere.
