I am glad to read that you are turning a corner and moving forward. Hey, even 2 steps fwd and 1 step back, is still forward movement! Two years is a long time, but in relation to a M and family and people we know for most of our lifetime, it's not really that long when you think about it. You most likely planned on living in your home now with H for many, many years, so this change is still unsettling. I agree that it is okay to embrace discomfort because it means change is coming. We are wired to avoid discomfort, but working through it can be more realistic and more therapeutic. Why? Because, let's face it, we can't always avoid it. This sitch that youre in now is the result of another person's actions and we can't control them. Working through the fallout of it, will make you stronger.
To answer your question if you are reacting to his actions, I would say yes and no. Most of what you are doing are reactions to his actions because, how can they not be? He left the M, he moved out, he comes and goes, it sounds like you need his work to maintain the property/animals, and now he is moving closer. I think it would be impossible not to react to that. However, if your goal is to create a situation where he can no longer have this affect on you, then yes, it does sound like you are going to have to make some changes. I think you should give yourself a break and just do what is easiest for you. Definitely leave when he comes around. You shouldn't have to do that, but if you need his help with the farm (it is a farm, yes?) then just let him do that work and leave him be.
If you want to ask him to no longer come over than it might be easier to avoid an uncomfortable convo and send him a more formal email. It also leaves little room for negotiation and shows him you mean business. He might start to pick up on a shift in your energy, and he may even notice you pulling away, and that is fine. I think it's a misconception that when they pick up on "losing" us they will more likely give up. I tend to think the opposite, and that that is often when they start to come around again.
It is unfortunate that he has these convos with your son. That bothers me too. Kids do not want to be involved in their parents baggage, teens included in that. It may not be that your son never wants to live with him again, but he may just be frustrated with how selfish he has been for the last couple years. Your son might also feel protective over you and want to show you his loyalty. My guess is that if you and H ever R, then your son would be amenable to that.
In the mean time, as you make these bigger decisions and are asking yourself if they are reactions to him verses your authentic choices, think about how his response could make you feel. Can you make a decision and be okay with the consequences and his reactions, whatever they may be? Meaning when you make the choice to do something, do so and accept that he could have any sort of reaction but that he will not change/influence your course as you continue into it. That is the goal anyhow.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
