Making the best of the mess.

[97Hope]

Hi everyone.

I've been busy. Good and bad. I'm turning a corner.

After reading and re-reading this conversation I've decided to move out of the family home. I can't afford it, it's huge and I'm overwhelmed.

My s17 and I had a long talk last night. He said that I need to be prepared because H is looking at a place closer to us for a couple of months and then plans to move back into our house - but not with me. S17 told H that if he "kicks his mom out of the house he will never speak to him again" - I discussed how none of this is a surprise to me etc. but S is super angry at H. I listened and validated, answered questions, and encouraged him to continue to speak to his dad about his feelings etc.

But then I realized, a part of me is holding on to this house like it's my MR or like I'm still waiting for H to come back to me. By staying here I am not moving on. and I need to move on.

I don't want to, but I didn't want a lot of things.

We are looking at a house today at 4. It's wayyyy smaller, on a much smaller lot, but I can afford it and I won't have any more reasons to talk to H.

I've realized that these past 2 years I have been standing for my marriage and H hasn't changed one bit. Even though I do believe 100 percent that this is a MLC/anxiety/depression for him, he isn't doing the work necessary to be in a R with me.

I also realized that as much as I want a new R with him - deep down - I also know that who he is is not who I want to be with.

Guess this all just takes time and work to figure out.

As long as I live here, he will continue to come by (because I can't do this on my own) and have a reason to see me. I need to step away now.

If you pray, please pray for me. It's easier said than done, but I know what I would tell my dear friend. Get out of the way and let him sink or swim. So that's my next step.

I will see a L if this place looks promising and make sure I'm not giving up any rights to anything, but since H moved out in February and left me to deal with the majority of the work, I think it will be fine.