It's really really hard pleasing everyone when it comes to a holiday - especially teenagers. I get you not wanting to contaminate happy memories, but perhaps there's an opportunity to reframe that - by making new and different happy memories with you and your two kids, or by doing something quite different and adventurous somewhere else? I think the main thing is that this is your holiday, with your children, and that your H doesn't go. I suspect the contamination will happen if he's involved - either your disappointment at how little time he is willing to make for you and his children, or his behaviour while he's there.
As for this weekend. As a thought experiment, imagine that it isn't your husband but a friendly and trustworthy au pair that is coming to do a bit of childcare for you. Would you stay in the house because it suits you better, or would you clear out to your other place, safe in the knowledge that your kids are in good hands, and do something nice for yourself? Whatever the answer is there, that's what you should do. You talk about compromise but who with? Does your H want you in the house, or want you gone? It doesn't seem he's expressed a preference so the good news is there's no need to compromise and you need only please yourself and your children.
Dilly, you spend so much time trying to please everyone else that you forget about yourself. Stop being so nice. Be selfish for a bit.
Nobody's going to think you're a bad parent for just deciding what holiday to go on. The kids can just be grateful that they're going on holiday.
You offering to get his brakes fixed for him for months is an act of kindness I know. But he's a flipping adult. You're not his mother. I know that we don't advocate callousness and coldness, but I think Dilly needs to develop a small amount of selfishness and self preservation. Sometimes you come across as vulnerable with a very very high tolerance threshold. I think it needs lowering a bit.
Keep the kids safe. Just sort out the practicalities of getting to the activity and doing what you want to do. If necessary, get someone else to do the car run. If he asks, tell him you'll be grateful for him doing the kids activities when he's had his brakes fixed. End of discussion. No drama. Just a factual explanation. Shut down any argument.
He has lost the right for you to be so accommodating to him and considering him in everything. He is not acting as a Husband so don't treat him as one.
You still make excuses for him. The 'I'll come for a weekend' scenario is a non starter, but you've since justified his position for him. I rather suspect that you'll find a way to justify anything that he does.
Dilly, I have a lot of admiration for you. You are very obviously a well educated, intelligent, kind and loving person. You are doing yourself a disservice. You are insightful enough to know that when you initiate the texts to him, it is about you controlling. I wonder if you think that at least if he is being a bas***d to you, it is some attention at least.
I think it is time for you to drop the control, stop initiating contact, stop worrying about where he is in the world, or what he's doing. Sort yourself and the kids out and if that happens to fit in with him, then allow him to take some part, if it doesn't then tough. You need to separate him out of your head so that you are not worried about his safety etc. When kids leave home we go through some dreadful anxiety about drinking parties at uni, driving dangerously etc until we realise that it is out of our control. He is out of your control, but I don't think you accept it yet.
Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen if you take a harsher stance? Whatever you think it is, I suspect you've been through worse in the last few months. And whatever it is, you will deal with it, pick yourself up, brush yourself off and crack on. And I promise you that whatever that worst fear is, the reality will never be as bad as the fear.
I would love to declare the coming week as 'dilly week' You can't neglect the kids obviously, and you probably will have to do some work, but you are not going to give any consideration to H in anything else that you do. You're not going to give a second's thought to what he will say, do or how he will react or how it will impact on him. You can respond to his texts only in relation to an emergency with the kids. For a week he does not exist in your life. If he does react, get angry, etc etc, do not analyse it, just do an imaginary teenage shoulder shrug and say 'whatever' in your head.
Well this week HAS been dilly week Yorkie, other than the making sure he was still alive bit on Monday. I feel so angry with him for doing that, I've kept it in my head as evidence of him being completely unreasonable and hypocritical. I've barely thought about H actually, I've had a lot on and have been enjoying the great weather and squeezing my work in. Last night I had a race and it was tough as anything, really hilly and technical. I ran almost all the way up most of the hills, and during and afterwards I felt SO proud of myself for being so strong. I was literally congratulating myself on the way round for being a tough person. There's nothing so good for your self-esteem as overtaking much younger people than you running up a brutal hill I feel like something has shifted, I feel harder and stronger (not just because of the race, but maybe because the fact that everyone I know on here and outside is telling me how bad H is for me, and eventually it's sinking in). So watch this space I still feel lonely, I need to increase my GAL efforts further because teens are crap company when they're at home on their computers, but I have some plans on how to do that. I still haven't decided on the holiday, I don't want H to come but I could probably tolerate him for a weekend for ds2's sake if I have to, but I will be the one deciding where to go and what to do and I won't be making plans based around H. Anyway, I'd better get off, I have stacks of work to do, IC, an aerobics class, gardening and then a thing at ds2's school this evening which I'm looking forward to.
You are amazing. I walk for fairly long distances every day but my joints are creaky (I think I'm a little younger than you too...) and I can't imagine even running for a bus, never mind running up a hill.
You have so much power and intelligence and care and compassion. I think you'd be an absolute force of nature if you took that energy away from your H and put it towards your own life. I really do.
Originally Posted by dillydaf
I don't want H to come.
This is the most important thing about your post. It really is. H can take DC2 away if he wants to - and if he doesn't, that's something DC2 and H can deal with together, or not. You can't manage his parenting, his mental health, his brakes, or anything else. When you stop trying, you're going to have so much mental freedom to pour into yourself and your healthy relationships.
There's nothing so good for your self-esteem as overtaking much younger people than you running up a brutal hill
I still haven't decided on the holiday, I don't want H to come but I could probably tolerate him for a weekend for ds2's sake if I have to, but I will be the one deciding where to go and what to do and I won't be making plans based around H.
Hey Dilly glad to see you’ve had a good couple days! I have a physical fitness test twice a year with the military; I’m nearly 40 and trust me I let those 22 year olds that I beat know who beat them! So good for you to get after it on the hills!
When I read your statement about your holiday; I think you already answered your own dilemma. You said “I don’t want H to come”. Nevermind anything else, tolerating someone isnt what you do on a holiday. Spend it how you want with whomever you want.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
thanks everyone So yesterday I took ds1 to lunch, he was remarkably chatty for a change! It was really nice. He told me about his friend who is going to go to the nearest uni instead of leaving home 'because his mum does everything for him and he can't even heat up a pizza'. I laughed and said that my benign neglect parenting techniques have at least made my kids independent! I do a lot for my kids, but if they want dinner after I've gone to bed then they know where the fridge and oven are and how to prepare themselves dinner. Walking back from the restaurant I asked him where he wanted to go on holiday and instead of his usual shoulder shrugging he said he wanted to go somewhere new, somewhere not too hot and preferably a city, not a beach or camping. Hooray! So we floated some options around and I'll run them past ds2 when I get a chance. This will suit all of us
In the evening ds2 had some school performances. Even though I had to sit there for HOURS in a boiling hot hall on a very uncomfortable chair for the sake of seeing ds2 perform for about 5 minutes, it was worth the sacrifice. I felt sad looking round and seeing all the dads there, but then I remembered that H has NEVER come to these things. His work always came first. I have actually always been a single mum except when we were on holidays, H has not been capable of being part of our family. That's his loss, and it's a great one. But I am enough for both my boys. I am so proud of both of them, they are astonishing human beings. Afterwards ds2 and I did a post mortem of the performance and those of his friends (he's reached the age where his social circle is expanding and it's lovely to see) and then we went through his school report. More proud moments, my boys are hard working, determined and focused.
Talking of which, I better get off here and do some work myself!
You're such a good mum, Dilly. It is hard getting conversation out of teenagers! In this post I can see you having all these bittersweet feelings - being proud of your kids, and loving seeing them grow and get new experiences and also feeling regret that you don't have a partner or even a co-parent to share that with, and acceptance of the reality of the situation - that you've never really had that, and that's your husband's loss.
I can imagine your future you know. These grown children coming to see you and sharing their lives with you - wanting you to know what they've been up to, and getting out into the world with all the self esteem and confidence that you've given them by being close to them. And your own life opening up more and more, each year bringing you new experiences. And your H, getting more and more involved with his drink and his work, more and more lonely and internally impoverished, until his own children are polite strangers to him, if that.
I know you're considering this holiday for the benefit of your kids - but I think your kids probably know more than you're giving them credit for. Wasn't it one of your children who said he was glad that your H had moved out, as at least he wouldn't spend the whole winter being mean and unpleasant to you all, as he usually did? It is hard to face reality, and even harder to encourage your children to do it - but I think in this new world your most important job as their mother is to help them face the truth of their father's emotional neglect of them without enabling it or denying it, and make sure they know it isn't their fault and there's nothing they could or should have done differently. I think the best way you can teach them that is by truly believing it for yourself and acting accordingly.
It sounds like you have a pair of marvellous sons. Your H is an utter fool, but it is his right to be. Leave him to it and take your young men on a wonderful holiday and make some new memories with them. No doubt they will be irritating and difficult at times - but what teenagers aren't? What is forgivable behaviour from a teenager is something you can celebrate no longer having to tolerate from your husband!
well H is back, he texted earlier to ask if I was away or going away to our other place. I'm there now but texted back saying I was taking the kids to their things tomorrow morning. Then he asked if I had plans for Sunday and I said yes. He said he would come and see the kids then. Well good luck to him because ds2 has his own plans. I guess he's had his space and decided to take even more judging by him texting not phoning and his tone, I'll give him plenty of it. My heart was hammering every time my phone buzzed, just horrible. I'm holding onto how much I despise him for now, I won't forever but for now if he's shoving me away I'll protect myself. This is horrible.
I'm late to the party, but I would suggest if you don't want H to go on holiday with you, H doesn't get to go on holiday with you...unless you plan on bringing a LOT of cake ; )
Can you try and prepare yourself for the space? Sometimes it's harder when they do dark because it feels like one more brick in the wall and it's different because when we choose to go dark, we are controlling the situation - as opposed to when they do it, we feel like they are rejecting us. Let's face it - we have been well and truly rejected. At this point if they don't call - we need to be more than ok with that! (I'm working on this, too!!)
I read about your scare when he didn't contact you. This might be a good time to remove yourself from being his check-in gal. For your sake firstly, but also, do you want him to feel like you are so concerned with his well-being that you get upset when you think he might be in trouble? Does he worry for you? I'm not in a position to lob at 2x4 at ya - but my perspective is that this is not a good place for you to be in - where you are the one he calls when he makes it safe. Sounds cake-ey to me.
Can you take a holiday to the states and visit me? This forum is great but it would be so fantastic to have friends in person that understand what we are doing!
Keep taking care of yourself. Stay strong and put another cross through that CAGD!!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
well H is back, he texted earlier to ask if I was away or going away to our other place. I'm there now but texted back saying I was taking the kids to their things tomorrow morning. Then he asked if I had plans for Sunday and I said yes. He said he would come and see the kids then. Well good luck to him because ds2 has his own plans. I guess he's had his space and decided to take even more judging by him texting not phoning and his tone, I'll give him plenty of it. My heart was hammering every time my phone buzzed, just horrible. I'm holding onto how much I despise him for now, I won't forever but for now if he's shoving me away I'll protect myself. This is horrible.
This is punishment, Dilly. I'm not surprised it's horrible. I'm really not. But he really, really didn't like you exposing his teenage game playing to his friends - people he actually respects - when you were so worried about him. He really really cares about what others people think of him, doesn't he? And now they know his wife, the woman who knows him best, is worried about his mental state because of the selfish and erratic way he acts. And he's furious that the 'truth' is out. To him, this is probably quite similar to the way some husbands behave when their wives expose their PA to their social group. I'm not saying what you did was wrong - I would no doubt have worried and reacted in the same way - but his behaviour now is all about punishing you for that. It's very clear.
I think taking as much space away from him as you can and avoiding him as much as possible is the right thing to do. Two word answers to his texts if they are about practicalities. Be out if he comes to see the kids. Let him make his own arrangements directly with the kids - they're old enough to do that if they want to see him. He's behaved disgracefully for months and any normal person would not be responding like this. He will blame you for whatever it is he's feeling anyway, so you may as well get out of the way and let him enjoy doing that while you enjoy your fuller and saner life elsewhere.
