W came home from appointment at 4pm. Didn't expect me home yet. Was at "appointment" for 4 hours. Looked professionally dressed. Took a 30mim nap. Got changed, changed again back into original attire. Went back out for 2 hour IC appointment. She was in driveway playing with phone for at least 20 minutes after IC appointment. Came in with black nin labeled folder and his it in her room right away after trying to make polite friendly convo. Asked what time I would be home from work Friday. Wanted to squeeze in nail appointment. She's going to a bbq tomorrow. I have S1. In convinced there is something going on, her phone habits are extremely excessive lately. Been doing my best to keep my cool. IM CLIMBING THE FYCKING WALLS TONIGHT!! Reattachment, insecurities and denial is a gift that keeps on giving every step closer she takes. Losing my $hit on the inside, but still cool on the outside. It passes eventually.I have been upbeat and friendly though, and focused on S1, movies, comedies, distractions, whatever to take my mind off this. GOD PLEASE WAKE ME UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!!! WAKE UP HER FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!!! I just want to blow it all up. Everytime I interact, I try to imagine Jesus's face, when I get into the negative zone, I try to imagine his face. I keep trying not to blow things up and just go off her, and say F@$! IT ALL and file since I clearly know what direction this is heading in, and there is no way in hell of stopping it.. I know everyone else's sich's are much more developed, and I truly have no right to b@tch considering others situations are significantly worse, but this is just mental torture sometimes with every new step into the unknown. I guess denial isn't just a river in Egypt. I'm trying so hard to put my faith in God and keep praying for a miracle. But I know I'm going to feel like a fool when buy out/D day comes. 10 months of hell, silence and psych abuse. I don't know if I can go any further? I have no plans, no L consultation (I just can't do it but might have to.), little support, and no backup place to live.
Every time I reconnect to faith, I raise my hope, and my expectations falsly go up with it. When I come back to reality, detach and pull away hard, I just want to end the M, file, get my cut of the home, and my 50/50 custody. Even if it takes me till next year. I would almost rather be extremely mean and uncooperative, and have a determined outcome, than remain hopeful, delude myself, and put on a front. I just don't want to go through with this. My emotional hijack and control are getting shorter in time spans though, then I come back to logical after a few hours. Still keeping composure for the most part. Just need to vent.
