Dilly, you spend so much time trying to please everyone else that you forget about yourself. Stop being so nice. Be selfish for a bit.
Nobody's going to think you're a bad parent for just deciding what holiday to go on. The kids can just be grateful that they're going on holiday.
You offering to get his brakes fixed for him for months is an act of kindness I know. But he's a flipping adult. You're not his mother. I know that we don't advocate callousness and coldness, but I think Dilly needs to develop a small amount of selfishness and self preservation. Sometimes you come across as vulnerable with a very very high tolerance threshold. I think it needs lowering a bit.
Keep the kids safe. Just sort out the practicalities of getting to the activity and doing what you want to do. If necessary, get someone else to do the car run. If he asks, tell him you'll be grateful for him doing the kids activities when he's had his brakes fixed. End of discussion. No drama. Just a factual explanation. Shut down any argument.
He has lost the right for you to be so accommodating to him and considering him in everything. He is not acting as a Husband so don't treat him as one.
You still make excuses for him. The 'I'll come for a weekend' scenario is a non starter, but you've since justified his position for him. I rather suspect that you'll find a way to justify anything that he does.
Dilly, I have a lot of admiration for you. You are very obviously a well educated, intelligent, kind and loving person. You are doing yourself a disservice. You are insightful enough to know that when you initiate the texts to him, it is about you controlling. I wonder if you think that at least if he is being a bas***d to you, it is some attention at least.
I think it is time for you to drop the control, stop initiating contact, stop worrying about where he is in the world, or what he's doing. Sort yourself and the kids out and if that happens to fit in with him, then allow him to take some part, if it doesn't then tough. You need to separate him out of your head so that you are not worried about his safety etc. When kids leave home we go through some dreadful anxiety about drinking parties at uni, driving dangerously etc until we realise that it is out of our control. He is out of your control, but I don't think you accept it yet.
Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen if you take a harsher stance? Whatever you think it is, I suspect you've been through worse in the last few months. And whatever it is, you will deal with it, pick yourself up, brush yourself off and crack on. And I promise you that whatever that worst fear is, the reality will never be as bad as the fear.
I would love to declare the coming week as 'dilly week' You can't neglect the kids obviously, and you probably will have to do some work, but you are not going to give any consideration to H in anything else that you do. You're not going to give a second's thought to what he will say, do or how he will react or how it will impact on him. You can respond to his texts only in relation to an emergency with the kids. For a week he does not exist in your life. If he does react, get angry, etc etc, do not analyse it, just do an imaginary teenage shoulder shrug and say 'whatever' in your head.
