Reading so far has been eye opening with so many going through similar situations. For a long time I have felt it was just me. Seems like I have been on the wrong track and have enabled the situation to continue. I am not sure if there is hope at this point and am interested in responses from people on the forum who started out wrong.

In a relationship for 15 years, this fall would mark our 8th anniversary married. One stepdaughter 19.

In Summer 2017 I learned my husband had started having an affair with a much younger coworker who he had befriended and whom I had also befriended through him. It went on for a couple months and then in September on our anniversary he told me he wanted to come back to the marriage and go to counseling. So we did. Fast forward to Spring 2018 and things had improved in our relationship as a result of the counseling. Communication was better, we were spending most of our free time on nights and weekends together, family gatherings during the year, a couple wonderful vacations, etc. Around the same time the affair had begun the year before, I started feeling as if my husband was confused and uncertain. Later in the summer, I found out that the affair had restarted and been ongoing throughout that time. More recently I learned that he had told the OW that he was staying with me until his daughter finished high school to provide stability but he still didn't leave after that and that's when I started feeling things were not right - I assume she was applying pressure. So in the fall after I learned affair had restarted he did a lot of back and forth.

Then he said he didn't think we could work things out where we lived with his work situation with the OW and we needed a fresh start. I was sick and tired of the bad memories of the affair so I agreed to move. We started applying for jobs throughout the country and I actually found the job he ended up getting in CO. He sold items from the house to pay for my plane ticket to accompany him on the interview. I had interviews in several locations in CO as well and it looked like offers were pending so we secured a condo rental for six months and he left to move to CO at beginning of November. Instead of taking a friend to help him, I learned during one of my interviews that the OW had ridden cross country with him and he told her and others in their workplace that she was moving out there in a few months and they had gotten a place together showing a photo of the condo we had rented. So basically he was lying and telling us both what we wanted to hear. So I removed myself from the lease and made plans for myself. Shortly afterward, I learned my job wanted me to resign due to the stress from my personal life affecting my performance so I ended up taking a job in Colorado as well because I had three offers there and did not want to stay where I was and also did not want a gap in employment. My husband and I communicated on and off during the time before I moved at the end of December and I ended up sending the OW a cease and desist letter and ultimately suing her for Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation which is permitted where I lived. I had to pack up our entire life, get the house ready to sell, and deal with all of that stuff. It was horrible.

I moved at the end of December to a city about an hour from where my husband lives. We have been living separately since November when he left. After I moved, he wanted to see me and so I let him come down to pick up his dog and we started spending weekends together. At first I tried to keep it light but then he was saying things that created expectations for me such as he wanted us to move back in together after his lease was up and that he wasn't still with the OW (remotely at that point since she remained in the east where we had lived.) I started noticing that she was still calling him etc. so I kept facilitating relationship conversations about how that was not acceptable etc. etc. and that I wasn't interested in continuing with him while she was in the picture. He assured me he had no issue breaking things off with her etc. etc. but when it came down to it he would not take that step. So I didn't let him move in and he signed a three month lease at a new place and paid extra for it to coincide with the end of my lease. I told him if things weren't different there was going to be no moving back in at that point and I needed to see change. Well after he moved I felt he was blowing me off one Saturday by gaslighting me about having plans with friends instead of him even though my plans with friends were in the morning. He had complained about having to always come to where I lived (I made him because having taken the OW to the condo we were supposed to live in ruined that for me) so I thought to drive up and surprise him. I definitely did that as he was on a date with someone else from the area. He said it wasn't a date but it was clear that it was. I introduced myself as his wife and I'm not sure what he told her to overcome that other than we were divorcing because she is still in the picture. I looked at his phone and he had a fake Tinder account as well and had been talking to a bunch of women. I asked him what he was getting out of this and he said "It makes me feel good for a minute but it doesn't last." Said it wasn't about the sex but he had a pattern of behavior like this when he was younger after getting out of a long dating relationship and he didn't know how to deal with it, he thought he might need to go see a counselor etc. Said it hadn't been a problem in the past because he hadn't wanted to reconcile with the person he was ending the relationship with.

Anyway, he said he wanted to take some space apart because we hadn't tried that. We had pretty much stayed in communication regardless throughout everything. So Since beginning of June, I have backed off completely and we have not spoken. Have had a bit of email communication about finances. At first he said he wanted a few weeks or a month or two but I've found that every time he sets a deadline for himself for clarity, he is never ready with an outcome or decision about what he wants and tries to avoid it so I just said let's leave it open ended.

Throughout this entire process (nearly two years now), he has refused to take an out if I ask him if he wants to divorce. Even recently when he said he wanted space, he said he wasn't done with our relationship and that he didn't want to file separation papers or split up phone, split possessions, etc. and he still gives me money toward our joint financial obligations. I am still in the lawsuit with the OW. According to a friend who lived with him for a while, he was still trying to get the OW to move out here but yet also leaving for a few days here and there to stay over with the new GF. The new GF is posting on social media about them and the OW is still posting on his page as well but more discretely so I really have no idea what is going on but it kills me seeing all that. If I had to guess, the GF is posting so I see that they are dating and she is not aware that the girl from back east posting on his page is the OW who broke up his marriage and whom he is still encouraging.

Since we haven't been talking, he has texted me to ask if I found a new place to live (my lease was up) and I replied yes I did thanks for asking so he currently does not know where I live. He texted again to ask if I could keep his dog (actually one of our dogs but I have the other two) while he went to a conference and I declined because it was the weekend I was moving. I think I have continued to make myself available so he has never felt the loss of losing me and he has had a chance to have these other relationships while still taking the best from me and our relationship. He broke his phone recently and wants me to upgrade both of our phones on our plan since I manage that. Makes ho sense if he sees himself separating for good so I don't know what to think. I get such mixed signals. When he was coming down every weekend he was happy and relaxed, often commenting that he felt like we were getting to a really good place and he thought we had worked through a lot of our issues but then when I started applying pressure to ensure he had broken off with the OW, he didn't want to recommit I guess. He freaks out at the thought about me dating although he admits I should have the same opportunities that he has been if we are separated. I have not dated to this point.

I don't know what to do now. I feel that it's only been a month and he is likely in limerence with the new GF, still talking to the OW so maybe he doesn't really feel like he has lost anything at this point. I felt like throughout all this there were enough good things about our relationship to fight for it despite most people in my life telling me I just need to be done with it and move on. Prior to this affair, there had never been infidelity but I felt like in the past 6-8 months before the affair he was dissatisfied with his life but he never told me it was specifically our relationship. My husband has been pretty good about not reaching out to me (though I see he looks at my social media posts very quickly after I post anything) during this time apart.

I have read a lot of the resources on here but if you all have any suggestions and words of encouragement or hope please bring them on.