Good advice from R2C, CW and ovr there. Read it a few times and absorb it.
Originally Posted by Jb2019
So how do i not pursue her without sending the message that i’m done or coming across as too harsh?
She's treating you like crap and engaging in AT LEAST emotional affairs if not physical, and you're worried she'll think you are done?? Read DR. Read Cadet's links. Learn what the "distance/pursuit" dynamic is. You WANT to get to a point where she thinks you are done and detached. She'll never want you back otherwise.
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She has a job but gets broke after bills so she has to use my money for food or bills still due, we had moved houses a few months ago so she could afford to live on her own, but it appears she can’t afford it. She let me come back and stay with her
So you already moved out once? And then came back, and now she wants you out again? Don't leave again. As far as expenses, don't just give her unlimited funds. Come up with an agreement regarding bills, you pay half and she pays half or you have a joint account used for paying bills or such. Nail down a budget amount and stick that in the joint account each month and not a penny more.
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but things haven’t improved since then, she said she feels anxious and depressed around me so she’s been making a lot of plans without me to stay out of the house.
Good! Let her make the plans, let her go do whatever. Don't ask her where she's going or what she's doing. Are you familiar with Sandi's rules?
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i know she wouldn’t cheat, that’s one thing that attracted me to her was her loyalty.
She's not the person she used to be. I can't tell you how many times people have said that and then a month or two or three later been shocked into the reality that their W has been having a good ol' time with one or more OM's. Like ovr said, if she's snapchatting guys then she's already in at least an emotional affair. And I guess you know cheaters love snapchat because they can share photos and messages that are not traceable. People don't snapchat to talk about the weather and their kids.
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I’ve cut back on saying i love you to twice a day, morning then at night, she always responds with just goodbye or goodnight
That's a clear signal you need to quit saying it.
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i really want to be able to kiss and hold her but she doesn't want to
I get it, but you've got to bury those urges.
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i still want to do nice things for her and give her sweet surprises to let her know i was thinking about her
Doing those things will make her even more repulsed by you. That's how she feels, that's how most WAS's feel about their H- repulsed. They don't want to talk, they don't want to hug, they don't even want to be in the same room. It can and will eventually change, but right now that's what you are up against. So act accordingly. Be scarce. Leave her alone. Give her space.
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, but i also want her to respect me, and trust me, and think of me as a man
You won't believe it, but you do that by detaching and going about living life without her. She will respect you for it. But if you keep pursuing it just looks needy and desperate. And that's unattractive.
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I haven’t been initiating texts or anything the past few days, only responding to hers.
Good! Keep it up for months and months. You can do this.
