Man this must be my day to dispense 2x4's. Sometimes I log on here and read and just wonder how everything could be going so pear-shaped, it's like people abandon the most basic rules of DB'ing and proceed to do whatever they want instead, which is almost always the WRONG thing to do. Anyway here we go:
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
She puts up a ton of self help comments and quotes on FB that are directly meant not as an attack, but to support the whole "walk away" narrative just for me. Either that or its for attention from people in her friends group. (Other people have validated that they were digs meant for me.) I just ignore it like I have the past 8 months, and I put my scripture up.
That's a weird little War of the Roses thing going on. Very passive/aggressive by both of you. If you're going to post scripture then how about posting uplifting passages that have nothing to do with marriage and relationships. THAT would tell her you are letting go, which is exactly the message you want to send her.
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(People think I'm kidding when I say I'm not allowed to have any feelings about anything, that it is all about her, but I know people here have experienced the same phenomenon.)
I guess you mean people IRL and not here, because we all know this is standard for a WAS. And not only that, but we talk about not sharing your feelings with a WAS because she doesn't care. You listen and validate, that's it.
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She is aware that always mean well and thinks never have ill intentions, but she doesn't like the way I say things with my own words sometimes or the way I come across.
You shouldn't be saying anything around her. Just listen and validate. Anything more is just ammo she will use against you.
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I tried to politely challenge her and her feelings on all of this and her defensiveness, not to invalidate her feelings, but if she knows I mean well, and an well intended, then why is she so sensitive and easily offended?
Because she's a WAS. Don't challenge her. Because that is exactly what you said it's not- invalidating. YOU know you mean well, YOU know it's well intended, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE KNOWS. You are fooling yourself if you think you do. Listen and validate, period.
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If I say "Im really sorry you feel that way those are not my intentions." I'm dismissive and condescending.
First part (bolded) is validation, second part IS dismissive.
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If I just say "Okay" and agree with her. Im dismissive and stand offish.
But a one ward crap response like that IS dismissive!
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If you challenge them on their deluded thought, you are the one who is flipping the script and turning it around on them.
What are you gaining by constantly challenging her? That's a bad idea in a healthy relationship. It's the nuclear option in an unhealthy relationship.
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But if you offer you own oppinion when asked for it, you are again accused of flipping things around. Don't offer your feelings up about being gas lighted, and point it out to them, they wont have a shred of humility to acknowledge it, acknowledge you, or apologise for it. But YOU ARE REQUIRED TO VALIDATE ABD ACKNOWLEDGE THEIRS.
So what? IH, you strike me as someone who loves to hear himself talk and loves to force his opinion on others whether they want it or not. That is TOXIC to a relationship. It also sounds like you have a serious case of NGS, you've got to be constantly acknowledged and validated to feel valued. If you acknowledge or validate someone else you immediately want it reciprocated. You've got to get over that. Be the man. What do I mean by that? It means you offer support, validation, security while expecting NONE in return. It means you find your value and self-worth from within instead of from others. It means you have ZERO EXPECTATIONS from others, that you DO NOT take offense to someone challenging you, or not complimenting you, or not paying enough attention to you or stroking your ego. Radiate confidence and self-respect. Be the rock.
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I asked her. (More like challenged her)
This has really got to stop.
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Ill let you guys guess which one she chose for an answer, and in a very rebellious, certain, and arrogant demeanor. Oh the arrogance. She denies she has unforgiveness in her heart.
You don't know what's in her heart. You need a big slice of humble pie, you are coming off as VERY sanctimonious.
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I politely asked her again, what is she rebelling against? She said she is not rebelling, she is standing up for herself. So I politely challenged again. What are you standing up for? Do you feel attacked? Why always the defensive posture? Are you sensitive to me being passionate about something and taking it as aggression? She couldn't answer.
You're attacking her. If you want any hope of saving your marriage then please stop. Listen and validate, nothing more. Did Jesus cross-examine the prostitute that the Pharisees brought before him? Did he condemn her? If Jesus was not willing to condemn a prostitute, why are you so willing and eager to condemn your own wife?
